Blacula vs. Caligula vs. Aslicula, AD 1973, Act III

Act III

9 EXT THE BAY AREA -NIGHT

Suddenly, we are looking at a different film entirely, shot grainily and amateurishly in 16 mm (if that), the camera informally held.
We see underexposed innocuous establishing shots of the Bay Area: houses, trees, park scenes, at dusk and at night. They are largely empty of people and interest. Yet unexpectedly, we hear a Bernard Hermann musical sting poorly ripped from another film.
There is a pause.



CUT TO
More unthreatening footage.



We hear the musical sting again.
Then,

MAN'S VOICE OVER

Night. The whole city lies before me. Naked. Like a pair of shoes. That don't fit and smell bad.

CUT TO

Shots of dull, sedate nightlife.

MAN'S VOICE OVER

Nights like this. I ...don't ...dare ....go out.

CUT TO

A shot of the moon.

MAN'S VOICE OVER

The moon's got nothing to do with it.

CUT TO
A dumpy balding man with a mustache and thick glasses. He looks a lot like George Kuchar, the great filmmaker, just as this reel looks inexplicably like one of his films. It's all merely a coincidence, however. It is, however, he, who has been narrating.

GEORGE KUCHAR

(not to be confused with the filmmaker)

It's something inside of me.

CUT TO

10 VARIOUS -DAY

We see GEORGE KUCHAR go about his daily routine: waking up, having breakfast, going to work, talking to his mother,reading Monsters of Filmland. As in Hold Me While I'm Naked, a film by a different (wholly unrelated) George Kushar, all the voices are eerily dubbed by GEORGE KUCHAR. From all we see, we learn the following:

1. George is depressed.
2. George is lonely.
3. George is horny.

CUT TO

11 VARIOUS -DAY

GEORGE trying to pick up on women from all walks of life and professions, on generally inappropriate or awkward occasions. Despite this handicap,it's a total debacle.

The women all come from different professions and backgrounds. However, they all share one phenotypic trait: they all have really big butts.

CUT TO

12 VARIOUS -NIGHT

A streetwalker's corner. Sex workers work the curb. GEORGE's car pulls up jerkily and accidentally jumps the curb slightly. GEORGE awkwardly pulls off the curb and tries to act all cool, but the ladies are fleeing.

CUT TO

13 A FLOPHOUSE BEDROOM -NIGHT

Enter RAINBOW and GEORGE

RAINBOW

Boy, sure I hope they didn't give me that room again, but I can't ever remember. You want to take off that hat and glasses, hon? You look like a police sketch.

GEORGE shuffles in a nervous way.

RAINBOW

Is this like your first time, because I'm like not really good at this either oh shit I'm not supposed to say that Harvey will be really mad if you say that I said that so don't say that I said that not like you've got a customer comment card or anything but I used to work in a Pizza Hut and man, people would say some pretty nasty unrealistic things even though you don't make the pizza or anything and you basically only escort the pizza for about ten to twenty feet it just like the copy shop where did you get that coat that's like a ladies' coat.

GEORGE

It's my mom's. I didn't have a long coat.

RAINBOW

You can tell because of the buttons because I also worked at Fashion Bug the buttons are on the left side or is it the right side and there I think the problem really was management because I got along with customers fine especially the kids that and I lied on my resume but who calls those numbers, right? I mean I had already been an employee for twenty-four hours I think the buttons go on the other side do you want me to blow you or what?

GEORGE

Ah. Nah. I, uh ... want ..hu

RAINBOW

Oh that's okay. It's not like this is time-based or anything. Oh wait, it totally is, I should set a timer or something, do you remember when we started because anyway I'm not really good at adding and subtracting time because like my personality profile is like ENT-ANT and I'm random abstract so I changed my major and so can you tell me when it's like fifteen minutes or I could ask Bruce, no I hate Bruce forget that, whatever, do you need more time with like a menu or something?

RAINBOW

Hey, it's okay, because no one is like judging you or anything. Not like those judges, man, let me tell you. Wait, check this out, I got this underwear from like Heckler and Koch.

GEORGE

Uh...

RAINBOW

Heh. Not bad for a mom, right? You can barely see where they have that scar for the see-sarian.

GEORGE

Y... you got a kid?

RAINBOW

Yeah, totally, check him out! He's the best.

RAINBOW goes into her phone for pictures.

RAINBOW

Oh yeah, I'm totally not supposed to tell you stuff about myself and all, but you've got an honest face and it's not like they can take him away again already fucking judges.

GEORGE

Aw...geez. Seems like a real nice kid

RAINBOW

Yeah. That's not his motorcycle.

GEORGE

Uh...Yeah.. You know I don't think

RAINBOW

Ohmigodohmigod. I freaked you out didn't I? Ohshitohshit. Look don't get freaked out. If you want to you can come on a pillow or my ears or something. You like freaky stuff right? That's what you said. I can pretend like I'm dead or you're dead or your mom or whatever. Man, that is the wrong thing to say, stick to the script Marcie!

GEORGE

No, it's not, it's just

RAINBOW

Shitshitshit. Look just give a second here. Damage control. Oh god. Oh god. This, this is the worst self-improvement course ever.

GEORGE

I think I'd better...

RAINBOW

Look. Look. You seem like a nice guy. You like me right? I'm okay, right? Please say yes. Just say yes and you can go and all. I'll get you a refund for the room. Well, I can't really do that but can you just tell me that I'm okay?

GEORGE

You're okay Rainbow, you're okay

RAINBOW

Marcie, I'm Marcie. Look, this is what happens when you give kids Riddlin and put them in Montessori school and also feel them up occasionally. It's fucked up! Shit. How about a hot coca?

GEORGE

It's okay. I have some money like I promised. You can just

RAINBOW

Oh man! I am never going to make it as a prostitute! I'm going to have to go back to Gamestop!

GEORGE

Don't cry

RAINBOW

I was in AP English, you know. I got a five. I had an abortion. They didn't even tell me what they fuck they were going to do.

RAINBOW

You're a nice guy. Tell me what you were going to do to me. Were you going to fuck me? Were you going cum on my tits or my face?

GEORGE

No, no, I just wanted, to, to you know

RAINBOW

You wanted to taste me. You like it down there? I like it down there. I lot of people tell me that. Girls, boys. I like it. It's nice

GEORGE

Yeah, but I want...

RAINBOW

I like that, too. You can do that. I'll do you, too. It's sweet. Here, take a look.

GEORGE

No, no

CROSS FADE: SOUND OF SIRENS

CUT TO

14 A FLOPHOUSE EXTERIOR-DAY

POLICE CORDON OFF ANOTHER CRIME SCENE

CUT TO

15 A CATHOLIC CHURCH

A distraught GEORGE barrels in and staggers into confession. We see his lips and hairy mustache muttering his confession, but we don't hear it clearly. We see the FATHER's eyes through the screen: their expression is unreadable and unfamiliar. GEORGE weeps. FATHER says a HAIL MARY.

Immediately after GEORGE exits, we see the FATHER put a “PLEASE USE NEXT WINDOW” sign in front of his window. The FATHER takes out an baroquely gilded cell phone with a delicate crucifix on it. When the phone is flipped open, the crucifix hangs upside down.

CUT TO

16 A SWANKY PENTHOUSE, POOLSIDE

Naked girls do yoga. A robot enters with a tray of martinis. A phone rings. A phone on a tray is brought to a sunglassed figure in a purple bathrobe. It is CALIGULA

CUT TO

17 A CATHOLIC CHURCH

The FATHER abases himself and relates to his lord what GEORGE has told him, in ancient Latin.

CUT TO

18 A SWANKY PENTHOUSE, POOLSIDE

CALIGULA, SERVANT

CALIGULA

Bene, bene. Deus vult. (hangs up)

A serpent that bites a man is just a serpent. But what is a serpent that bites a serpent that bites the first serpent?

You cannot answer. You are not a god. I, Jupiter, wisest of Gods, answer

SERVANT

Shall we inform the Dark Prince that we have found the Oshunmare?

CALIGULA

(to the air)

O Prince! O Prince. Harken! Ourobouros! The Great Worm is reborn! There! We have fulfilled our compact.

Now, get me the local Young Men's Catholic Association

The SERVANT dials and hands the phone to CALIGULA

CALIGULA

(as it's ringing.)

I've nothing against Catholics, but Jesus, some of these guys really creep me out -and I invented most of the pervy stuff.

Blacula vs. Caligula vs. Aslicula, AD 1973, Act II

BLACKULA stands over LT. JACK PETERS. We are deafened by the hungry menacing sound of BIKULA's engine and rattling exhaust. We are choked by the hot curling monoxide exhaust. LT. JACK PETERS looks up in a classical pose of supplication to his dark master.

LT. JACK PETERS

Forgive me, O Immaculate Black Lord. If not by your fell hand and righteous bite, then ...what, what fiend would dare?

Act II

1 EXT. Nature Preserve -DAY

Children and Teachers on a Field trip

It is a beautiful day in an exclusive private nature preserve. The tiny schoolchildren and their teachers are very lucky to be allowed this special privilege in this untrampled eden.
The field trip has been underway for some time. It's break time, after lunch. The children are at innocent pleasures, such as chasing butterflies, frogs and rabbits. The teachers chat with one another and point out various natural wonders to the children.

TEACHER #1

Kenny, come and look at the bunny Sam found. Kenny, what are you waving at?

KENNY

There's a man on a horse.

There is indeed a man on a horse, in the distance, riding closer. KENNY continues to wave. THE RIDER comes closer and closer. When TEACHER#1 looks up again, THE RIDER is almost upon KENNY. She makes to warn KENNY, but to her horror, the RIDER speeds into a charge and tramples him. TEACHER #1 screams in horror and rushes to KENNY, then stands and waves to THE RIDER for help. THE RIDER sees her and turns. TEACHER #1 screamingly explains to THE RIDER and the other teachers that a student has been trampled and screams for help.



CUT TO
TEACHERS and CHILDREN in the distance, faintly hearing TEACHER #1's cries.



CUT TO
TEACHER #1 waving, thinking that THE RIDER is coming back to respond to what has happened. THE RIDER drops into another charge. We see clearly for the first time that THE RIDER is in Roman hunting regalia and wears a grotesque mask.



CUT TO
TEACHER #1's bafflement. She realizes only too late what is happening, as THE RIDER lowers his lance.



CUT TO

CHILDREN and TEACHERS screaming and running everywhere, RIDERS appearing everywhere, running them down as on a hunt. The TEACHERS valiantly try and shield and circle around the CHILDREN, but THE RIDERS are merciless and pitiless, and no answer to the TEACHER's sane and human pleas issue from the grotesque masked visages they present.

Everywhere, CHILDREN and TEACHERS are run down like common prey, open in the fields, overtaken by swift horses.

People in the audience laugh uncomfortably.

During this terrible massacre, one TEACHER does a significantly better job of keeping some of her kids alive, by leading them running and hiding. This is MRS. VAN ARSDALE. Unfortunately, not even she can really defend tiny third graders from mounted hunters, and her group is diminished.

Finally, the only survivors are MRS. VAN ARSDALE and THE LITTLE GIRL FROM JUSTINE. MRS. VAN ARSDALE is still trying to keep THE LITTLE GIRL FROM JUSTINE alive, encouraging and directing her like a good teacher. Their clothes are muddy, torn and streaked with blood.

This is MRS. VAN ARSDALE's last gambit: the river. She puts a giant red igloo cooler in the river and puts THE LITTLE GIRL FROM JUSTINE in it.

MRS. VAN ARSDALE

You're going to be alright, honey. Whatever happens just stay in the cooler. When you find somebody, anybody, tell them to call the police and tell them what happened.

THE LITTLE GIRL FROM JUSTINE gets in the cooler. MRS. VAN ARSDALE hears RIDERS in the distance and puts the cooler in the river and runs to draw THE RIDERS off. Unfortunately, she does not get very far.

CUT TO

THE LITTLE GIRL FROM JUSTINE in the cooler. We hear the sound of the rushing water and bob and spin with the current with her inside the tiny cooler. We hear her panicked breathing.

CUT TO

The cooler floats and bobs on the river.

CUT TO

The bank of the river as the red cooler slides near. A jeweled hand appears and plucks it out of the water by the handle.

2 INT. Cooler -NIGHT

THE LITTLE GIRL FROM JUSTINE

THE LITTLE GIRL FROM JUSTINE continues to crouch inside the cooler, helpless and terrified. We begin to hear sounds around her. It sounds like a party or banquet. Voices seem to greet the arrival of the cooler as a trophy with some appreciation and anticipation. We hear the cooler set on a table.

Her breathing panicked and rapid, THE LITTLE GIRL FROM JUSTINE is tempted to look outside to see where she is. The sounds about her grow louder and louder until finally, she cannot resist.

Only instead of a small peek, THE LITTLE GIRL FROM JUSTINE drops the lids and it slides off revealing her.

CUT TO

a LONG SHOT OF THE LITTLE GIRL FROM JUSTINE ineffectively hiding her uncovered cooler on a banquet table. All sound has stopped. The table is empty as though hundreds of guests just vanished.

CALIGULA (off camera)

Come out, child. Don't be afraid.

No third-grader is that dumb. THE LITTLE GIRL FROM JUSTINE stays put.

CALIGULA (off camera)

No one here will harm you. You are quite safe.

CALIGULA comes off his dais.

CALIGULA

It's okay. The bad people are quite gone. I have a phone. You can call the police and your parents. Come out and see.

THE LITTLE GIRL FROM JUSTINE pokes her head out. CALIGULA smiles. THE LITTLE GIRL FROM JUSTINE gets ready to bolt.

CALIGULA

N'aie pas peur! I understand. You are afraid. Many terrible things have happened. You feel helpless and vulnerable. It is natural.

CALIGULA brandishes a small sliver knife.

CALIGULA

Take this knife. You can defend yourself. It is a special knife. It is very, very sharp.

CALIGULA proffers the knife delicately, handle first.

THE LITTLE GIRL FROM JUSTINE gets out of the cooler and approaches CALIGULA to get the knife.

CUT TO

From behind THE LITTLE GIRL FROM JUSTINE we see a slender golden noose slides out of the hand of one of CALIGULA'S SEX SLAVES, framing THE LITTLE GIRL FROM JUSTINE.

Just as CALIGULA'S SEX SLAVE is about to slip the noose around THE LITTLE GIRL FROM JUSTINE's neck, CALIGULA'S SEX SLAVE is lifted into the air and throttled.

BLACULA

(to GIRL) Run, child. No one will stop you.

CALIGULA

Guards! Guards!

CUT TO

LONG SHOTS of CALIGULA's empty palace, as THE LITTLE GIRL FROM JUSTINE runs through it. BLACULA has spoken truly, as CALIGULA's cries echo hollowly and unanswered.

CALIGULA

Dark Prince Marmuwalde, to what do I owe the pleasure?

CALIGULA grabs a giant dildo; razor blades shoot out; he lunges at BLACULA, who easily sidesteps and disarms CALIGULA.

CALIGULA desperately tries to defend himself from BLACULA, grabbing decorative items of the walls and wielding them ineffectively. It is an uneven match. BLACULA has no difficulty deflecting pillows and napkin sets, or the Luger CALIGULA finds on the table. BLACULA easily knocks CALIGULA about, slowly closing on him, as the latter scrambles for weapons about the deserted banquet room.

CALIGULA seems cornered, having exhausted the arsenal of crab claw crackers and ice sculptures against BLACULA. CALIGULA desperately tries to start a gas powered erotic drill. BLACULA closes. CALIGULA drops it and hides behind a small bed.

BLACULA

How many times ought you to have died, Caesar? And each time, not soon enough.

CALIGULA

Oh, I die, I die. I die each day, Marmuwaldus. But am each day reborn. Because I am the sun.

CALIGULA grabs the side of the bed opposite him and pulls upward: it is a tanning bed! The harmful UV rays strike BLACULA, blinding him as he begins to smolder. Screams, BLACULA, screams, trying to shield himself.

CALIGULA flips the tanning bed over BLACULA, pinning him beneath, leaving only his noble head exposed. BLACULA burns.

CALIGULA lies on top of the overturned tanning bed, his face peering directly into BLACULA's with depraved erotic intimacy. He takes out the tiny silver knife he had from before.

CALIGULA

I could destroy you now, forever. It would be so easy...

But you can't die now. You have to come to my party!

CALIGULA kicks the plug to the tanning bed out with his feet and stands up.

3 INT. CALIGULA'S BALLROOM PARTY -NIGHT

CALIGULA, BLACULA, GUESTS

CALIGULA stands with a barely conscious BLACULA before the wide double doors to his banquet room. They swing open to reveal the palace's ballroom, an enormous party in full swing.

CALIGULA pushes/ushers a still reduced BLACULA into the party. The party is full of other immortals from all ages, including Nazis, spacemen and gorillas. It looks like a Daft Punk video.

CALIGULA is greeted and flanked by attendants dressed as MURMILLONES and RETIARII

Refugees from the court of Versailles bow and curtsey as the Emperor passes. Fish-men and deep sea divers pay obeisance. A lost fighter squadron and Carnival Maskers salute CALIGULA, as do a group of plush suited characters, including a giant hot dog with sunglasses and a machine gun.

CALIGULA

Please, my prince. Have some refreshment. Try the hummus.

The MURMILLONES hit BLACULA with a plate of hummus. BLACULA screams as the garlicky chickpeas burn him.

A curly haired Englishman in velvet makes a pretty and practiced bow.

CALIGULA

My dear Oscar! What gifts does the muse bring today?

OSCAR WILDE

That a poet's work should be immortalized at maturity, but his body and loves are best preserved as juvenilia.

CALIGULA

Your words are refreshment.

OSCAR WILDE

Yes, and like all refreshments, if taken all in one sitting bring much sudden wisdom.

A pack of wolfmen pine before the Emperor. A Green Lantern bows.

CALIGULA pulls an envelope out of BLACULA's coat.

CALIGULA

(to RETIARII ) My guest's glass is empty.

The RETIARII spear BLACULA with their tridents, pushing him into a decorative stream of wine that courses through the party.

AN OLD MAN and his WIFE greet CALIGULA

OLD WOMAN

Caesar of caesars, emperor, Rex of this world and the next.

OLD MAN

Of the world within and without, majesty of majesties, first and last, we bow to you and thank you for your receipt of our gift, our children and our children's children.

CALIGULA

You have both served me long and well. You are as dear to me as my own flesh and blood.

OLD MAN

Your majesty has no humbler or more loyal servant. We would gladly die for you.

CALIGULA

Yes. And so you shall, you shall. I promise.

THE OLD MAN AND WOMAN stare, shocked at CALIGULA's edict. They are led off.

BLACULA manages to flip one RETIARIUS over the using the trident in his back. BLACULA takes out a MURMILLONE with the net from his head.

Before he can pull the trident out, however, CALIGULA grabs the handle and presses with an economy of motion.

CALIGULA smilingly guides BLACULA out of the party this way.

As they depart, ALL bow and a dixieland band suspended like marionettes from strings descends from the ceiling and begins to play.

4 INT. CALIGULA'S GLOBE STUDY -NIGHT

CALIGULA, BLACULA

CALIGULA hurls BLACULA into his study. It is an enormous marble museum sized room filled with enormous globes of different sizes, each representing a different era, or planet. Carried by the momentum of the throw, BLACULA falls on the surface of one, and spins off.

CALIGULA strides slowly and masterfully into the room. He approaches the enormous globe in the center of the room.

CALIGULA

Always remember three things, Mamuwaldus:

The globe splits open to reveal a throne.

CALIGULA

First, you are a prince, but I am an emperor.

CALIGULA enters and sits on the throne.

CALIGULA

Second, you are immortal, but I am so much older than you.

CALIGULA takes an English oval out of the arm of his globe throne. He picks up a golden heart. It splits open to reveal a lighter. CALIGULA smokes.

CALIGULA

Finally, you are a Blacula. But I am a god.

BLACULA

(barely able to speak)...They say

CALIGULA

They say what, Mamuwaldus?

BLACULA

...they say, you are cruel

CALIGULA smiles

BLACULA

...capricious

CALIGULA chuckles

CALIGULA

Yes, and?

BLACULA

...and insane.

CALIGULA stares

CALIGULA

Yes. That is how I first realized I was a god.

CALIGULA leans back in his throne and exhales.

CALIGULA

But that lot. The only people who come to my parties are those too weak or too afraid not to. It's always been like that.

CALIGULA takes out the envelope he took from BLACULA. He pulls out some reading glasses. It's the pictures of the crime scene BLACULA took from LT JACK PETERS.

CALIGULA regards the photos.

CALIGULA

The kiss of the Baphomet...

CALIGULA takes his reading glasses off.

BLACULA raises himself.

CALIGULA

I like these pictures, Mamuwaldus. I want more of them and to play with myself.

But, I, I ...even I ...do...not ...dare.

CALIGULA regards BLACULA.

CALIGULA

But who dares, then? Who dares what a god does not? Who kills even as the gods refrain?