CITIZEN BRAIN: THE SINGING BRAIN STORY

OPEN:

MELVIN

Wow. Sure is a lot of old junk in this garage. Old timey stuff. Lots of glamor photos, posters, costumes. Medals and awards. I wonder if they're worth anything?

RICH, BUT WEARY, CRACKED ORSON WELLES SOUNDING VOICE

Who's there? I can't see you. I can't hear you. But I know you're there.

MELVIN

Hey mister, sorry. I thought all this stuff was abandoned. They're tearing this place down, you know? Hey, you live here mister? In this old garage?

VOICE

Who says I'm alive?

I'm a ghost.

MELVIN

Ha ha. You're not really a ghost, are you mister?

VOICE

Come closer. I'm right in front of you. Lift up the curtain you see draped in front of you.

MELVIN

What I don't see anything. Just a dirty old aquarium.

VOICE

Come up to the glass

MELVIN

Holy Jeezus! It's a disembodied brain in a tank!

THE “SINGING” BRAIN (for it is he)

Nice to meet you, too.

MELVIN

Is this a trick?

BRAIN

Yeah, it's a trick. The cruelest trick ever played. What's your name, son?

MELVIN

Melvin, sir.

BRAIN

Melvin, you seem like a nice kid. How would you like to make a little money. A lot of money, actually.

MELVIN

Well that's kind of you to offer, sir. What sort of thing do I have to do?

BRAIN

Well, son, it may not look it, but I'm actually rich -quite rich. I'm probably the richest brain you'll ever meet. I was famous, too -but that was a long time ago.

You've stumbled into a treasure cave, into my tomb.

MELVIN

I'm sorry about that, sir.

BRAIN

Oh don't worry about it kid, it's not that kind of story. It's a good kind of story, a fairy tale.

I'm a genie in a bottle -and I'll grant you three wishes, if you let me out.

MELVIN

Uh, gee sir, I don't know.

BRAIN

C'mon kid. I'm not the devil. The devil doesn't live in a dusty old goldfish bowl off the 101. How about money? How would you like more money than you could spend in a lifetime? Or do all the rich kids nowadays go crawling around old storage sheds for kicks?

MELVIN

Heh, well sure, I'd like to be rich

BRAIN

How about cars? You like cars? Check out that roadster under the tarp.

MELVIN

Whoah. I never seen a car like that. Even in space.

BRAIN

They didn't make a lot of them. Just one for me and one for Batman. How about a penthouse? Houses, mansions, hotels –all over the world.

MELVIN

Ah, well, you gotta be pulling my leg...

BRAIN

Look at my face, Melvin. Does this face look like it makes a lot of jokes? I don't have any use for any of these things. They're all yours for the taking. I just need a little favor from you. One little favor.

MELVIN

Uh, yes, sir. What would that be now?

BRAIN

Kill me. I want you to kill me.

FAKE BRAIN as THE SINGING BRAIN in RKO's Citizen Brain

NARRATOR

Fame! Fortune! Science gone horribly wrong and love gone horribly right!

This is the true story that your parents never dared talk about! And now it can be told!

CITIZEN BRAIN: THE SINGING BRAIN STORY

NARRATOR

Hollywood, land of dreams with too much make up. The Singing Brain is hanging with the “Splat Pack” a group of Tinseltown's most unique and differently configured and instantiated stars: Candyman Homunculus, Dino the dipso dinosaur, Handsome Johnny the "One-Headed" Detective, Kuato,  Joey Bishop and Robby the Robot.

BISHOP

What can we pour on you, Brain?

BRAIN

Whatever Rocket Fuel Robby's pissing out -and keep 'em coming

CANDYMAN HOMONCULUS

Hey Roberto, how 'bout some cigs, too?

HANDSOME JOHNNY THE "ONE HEADED" DETECTIVE

We outta nuts down here

DINO

I'm gonna need some skins for later

KUATO

...and two hardboiled eggs

DINO

Don't forget the skins, now. Milady be waiting.

ROBBY

YOU GUYS: WHAT WOULD YOU EVER DO WITHOUT ME?

DINO

Well, I'd just do what I usually do: tape two hotel garbage bags together and tie 'em on: BECAUSE I'M A FUCK-ING DI-NO-SAUR!

Robby checks out his co-star Anne Francis with typical robot subtlety

NARRATOR

The story of a living, passionate brain that fights!

BRAIN

I'm not afraid of you, Bowser. Go ahead. Punch a man with glasses.

BOWSER

Ow! I broke my hand!

BRAIN

And there's plenty more where that came from, bub.

NARRATOR

A brain that seduces!

MANDY

I'm so sorry Mr. Foster! I just can't go on. When I think of the people listening, I just want to die. Oh, it's so silly! I must be crazy!

BRAIN

That doesn't sound silly to me, Mandy. I know how you feel. Even after all these shows, I feel the same way each time I go on. I guess you could say we're a couple of -headcases.

MANDY

Ha ha! -Is it okay to laugh?

BRAIN

For you, Mandy? Yes, you can laugh at my jokes.

MANDY

Oh, Mr. Foster. If I didn't know better, I'd say

BRAIN

Say what, Mandy?

MANDY

That you were flirting with me.

BRAIN

Oh come on, Mandy. You can see right through me.

MANDY

Ha ha! Oh, Mr. Foster!

BRAIN

Charles, please. And if I were flirting with you?

MANDY

Well, -Charles. I should think I'd be blushing up to my ears.

BRAIN

And are you, Mandy?

MANDY

Oh Charles...

BRAIN

You know, Mandy, when it comes to head cases, I'm something of an expert. I'd like to help you with your feelings of anxiety. I'd like to help you relax.

MANDY

I'll do anything you say, Charles. I trust you.

BRAIN

I want you to relax. Imagine you're in a peaceful place. Where are you?

MANDY

Um, in a peaceful place?

BRAIN

Well, okay. Good.

NARRATOR

A brain that loves!

BRAIN

I love you, Amanda. Body and soul. The soul is a picture of the human body and this is all I am.

MANDY

I love you. I want you. I need you.

BRAIN

There's just one thing, my love. Promise me, please promise me

MANDY

What, my love?

BRAIN

That when the time comes you'll let me go, really let me go. If you can't -well, it's better that we never met.

NARRATOR

That fights for love!

BRAIN

I'm more of a man than you'll ever be. A man's body is weak, it betrays him. His heart beats with fear, his guts desert him. His eyes  stray and so does his affections.

I cannot see, hear, touch or feel. Amanda is my whole world. I love this woman with all that I am and I'll die to protect her.

NARRATOR

For the first time in history a hero whose brawn is all brain!

BRAIN

And so we can see, gentlemen, that zero is an even number.

Oh, and one more thing Professor?

Is this your card?

NARRATOR

And whose brain is all brawn!

MANDY

Charles! We're going too fast!

BRAIN

I like it fast, baby. Faster than I can think.

NARRATOR

A tale of intrigue and espionage that is all true! Travel with the spy in the glass case as he jets from the Riviera to Siberia -and beyond!

CAPTAIN RUPPELT

We need you back at the Cape, Major.

BRAIN

If this is about the low Earth orbit zoo you guys are starting, count me out. My agent says no animal acts.

CAPTAIN SNEIDER

We understand that, Major. We just need your insight on something. A situation.

CAPTAIN RUPPELT

There's trouble on the high side, sir.

BRAIN

What are you guys on about? Vanguard? So what if the Soviets are first again? I hear that space is a big place.

CAPTAIN SNEIDER

There's something up there already, sir.

BRAIN

Oh? Anyone I know?

CAPTAIN RUPPELT

No, sir, not one of ours.

BRAIN

What, another Russian dog?

CAPTAIN RUPPELT

Not one of theirs either, sir.

CAPTAIN SNEIDER

Something Dr. Von Braun said you and Dr. Fermi used to talk about together. After hours. You follow us, Major?

BRAIN

You got a plane ready at the base? I'm taking my own car.  You boys try and keep up, now.

NARRATOR

This brain is far out! Way out in a cerebral high paced thriller whose thrills are all cerebrum!

MARCONI

You're smart, brain, I'll give you that. But did it ever cross that big brain of yours that someone might not like what you're doing and might do something about it?

BRAIN

Not really. I thought about it, but I couldn't think of anyone that stupid. You know anybody, Marconi?

MARCONI

I'd like it if it crossed your mind, Brain. In one side and out the other!

[Shots and ricochets]

BOWSER

Boss, the glass, the glass! The bullets bounced right off!

BRAIN

Go ahead, Marconi. You're still loaded. Try again. This time try to put a bullet in my heart. You know where my heart is? It's that pump you see before you. You can hear it. It brings blood with oxygen to keep me alive. Shoot that pump. Watch me die through the glass. Go ahead. Even a screw-up like you can't miss at this range.

MARCONI

Die, you canned bastard.

BRAIN

Argh! Finally, I die.

BOWSER

What do we do now, boss?

MARCONI

We throw the gun in the tank. Everybody knows the brain wanted to die. It'll look like suicide.

INSPECTOR SLAINY

Hold it right there, boys. Hands up.

BOWSER

Cheese it! The cops! And police!

MARCONI

Well, at least we got the goldfish

BRAIN

You are one dumb meatball, Marconi

MARCONI

You're still alive? I shot you in the heart!

BRAIN

Who told you I have a heart? I've no heart. I have a pump. Two of them, in fact. Man, you guys are dumb. Have one of the older boys at Sing-Sing show you how to hold a hammer without hurting yourselves

MANDY

Oh Brain! -I mean, Charles -I was so worried

BRAIN

It's all right dear -nothing a little Windex can't handle

MANDY

Oh god! When they shot you Charles, I thought I'd die! 

BRAIN

Oh Mandy,  I'm tougher than a glass of water. You know that.

MANDY

I'm sorry I don't mean to make such a fuss and be so emotional. It's just that I just learned -well, I'm pregnant, Charles. I'm going to have your baby.

BRAIN

I know, Amanda, I know.

NARRATOR

What the hell! If that doesn't creep you out a little, it probably should! How can Mandy be pregnant by the man in the tank? What about other details that seem unclear? Find out in SON OF THE SINGING BRAIN.

The Brain Remembers and the Heart Lies

I don't like to indulge in nostalgia because it tends to confirm the hypothesis that the present is the only form of life possible and that our memories are projections, screen memories.

Bear with me, however.

I recall as a child that the much anticipated Saturday evening television was preceded by an interminable overture that my parents enjoyed -perhaps yours too, for that is what I am trying to determine.

The show, as I recall it, was old-fashioned and nostalgic -even for my parents. Its songs seem to originate in some infinite pastel colored past, some deep racial memory of superannuated sing-a-longs, past a screen of time made from the flux of popping champagne bubbles and soft music. Youthful faces of Mormon uniformity in matching outfits sang slowly in all-too perfect harmony at a pace that slipped behind dirges and foghorns, pleasant, beaming ditties that could be sung through a mouthful of teeth without ever missing a smile or taking a breath. The show itself was named after its gently accented and genteel host. 

I mean, of course, The Singing Brain.

The mature series never started with the Singing Brain himself; he mainly introduced the acts. By then people had gotten comfortable with his appearance in his tank (as comfortable as they were going to be, anyway) and the careful orchestration and skillful direction of the show created the willful illusion that the brain could see and hear, engage in playful banter and tender duets.

ʼ"Well, if you're so smart, you tell me which came firs!"

In reality, of course, the brain was wholly isolated, deprived of any sensory input, its seemingly flawless ability to integrate, interact and intermesh with the external world being explained wholly by the principle of epiphenomenalism.

The other challenge the show repeatedly faced, according to Wikipedia, was lighting the brain, as directors struggled with numerous unique problems involving the albedo of the tank, the need for a clear focus on the camera subject without making the dinner time audience nauseous and the ever-present potential risk of damaging the brain's tissues by overheating.

Nonetheless, every show ended as its premiere had, with the brain singing one its signature solos, a strange song, to be sure, plangent and affecting, a singularly original composition of a mind entirely freed and quarantined from all stimulus and feedback, entirely a priori and alienated -and yet human, all-too human.

Toward the end of his solo he would be joined by his old chorus, in the full dress uniforms of their departments and lab coats. I always wondered if the scientists and generals who has created the brain enjoyed their brief moment on the stage. They never appeared in any other segment. I like to think they kept on out of sense of obligation to their lonely creation. Though the stage was ringed by singing siblings in identical golden curls, it was Lockheed Martin and the technical staff at Groom Lake who were the brain's only true remaining family.

It was always hard to predict when this final solo of the brain would end, because of its musically (and mathematically) unfathomable structure. Perhaps this regular uncertainty helped explain why the show seemed to go on forever -the producers had to accommodate the brain's indeterminate number and cut the show accordingly. Above all, they had to bracket the end of the show with a prerecorded farewell, rather than the violent pleas for death that the brain ended all his performances with.

Of course, everyone knew that the brain wanted to die and begged for the release of death almost constantly -especially people in the industry. It was an open secret among professionals on Ventura Boulevard. It even made the air on the show a few times: oh, grandpa, the girls would laugh.

By the time of The Far Out Brain Show, however, the brain had stopped singing, per se. Its contribution now consisted of scripted artificial dialogue, that it often flubbed, and long, bizarre stream of consciousness monologues whose appearance had prompted the retooling of the show. Eventually the show was basically just these opaque and inscrutable soliloquies that sounded like Samuel Beckett characters arguing about Whitehead while reading lottery numbers and directing air traffic accompanied by freaked out acid rock on a stage where the brain seemed to float through the groovy oil projections with the go-go dancers.

It was hard to follow, even for the turned-on set, as the brain would simply blurt out NUMBERS ARE REAL ENTITIES; PEOPLE ARE NOT during a “Mother Goose” skit (copied from The Goodies) with Ken Berry and the cast would basically just try and rap along: that's heavy, man. Soylent Green is people, too.

People (real or not, soylent or not) began to wonder why the show was still on the air; my parents, anyway, stopped watching. The loyal viewers of the show, however, remained: cognitive and mathematical scientists, radical psychiatrists and, for reasons still unclear, members of the intelligence and diplomatic communities.

The singing brain's performances, however, continued to decline and rumors of organic damage or drug abuse began to circulate. People said the brain had difficulty remembering people's names and appeared “bloated and disheveled.” 

A reclusive and paranoid brain in a dingy tank

Perhaps this was to be expected: it was, after all, the longest continually publicly performing brain on public record. The Soviets supposedly had a “harmonizing cortex,” but it shrunk and died and never performed publicly.

When a suddenly youthful and invigorated Singing Brain returned to the stage with catchy tunes and ribald banter, the brain's longterm fans sensed fraud. Indeed, Fake Brain had none of the genius or otherworldly charm and talent of the original, being hired largely for its looks.

The photo that broke the hoax. Note the different part in the central sulcus.

Yet for those who knew him, the Singing Brain had earned its rest and were glad for it when it moved out to New Mexico. The albums it eventually produced there are now widely hailed as prefiguring much of ambient and low liminal post-human post-music today and there is a great deal of interest in the scientific and military communities for these and other lost masterpieces. There is hope that a complete catalog might be reconstructed, but its surviving wife and son have been reticent about releasing any further “brain music.”

To his credit, Fake Brain continues to this day to perform a loyal, if derivative act at the Sahara. It is, however, an imitation done in the sincerest flattery and as a true art. As Fake Brain writes in his memoirs, I Am Not The Singing Brain, there's something about the Singing Brain's music that “people with bodies will never fully understand.”