Wolfes of the Yard

Your Mom Says to Click on This Comic to Enlarge, Or You'll Hurt Your Eyes

The Wolfmen

The mood of manhood is gone. The neatly spaced teeth I had wore braces for begin crowding again. My bones wax and ache. My flesh is swollen and purple like a boner or a bruise. The hair on my balls start to snap like violin strings...

-Cut!

-You're acting like a wolf man. Don't act like a wolf-man.

-More like a wolf, then?

-Don't act like a man or a wolf.

-But in this scene, I'm changing into a wolf, right?

-Yes, but it's a subtle thing. It's like you're giving up hope, but you don't even know it yet. If someone asked you, you'd say you still believed, absolutely. But in reality, you're done. And the next thing you know, you're a wolf. You know what I mean?

Or imagine you're at a party, right, and you're not drinking. Let's make that clear. You're not. You're not smoking either. And then people come around and they’re like talking about what? Salads and car insurance? Free calendars with salad recipes on them from the car insurance place.

And you're not looking down her dress. You're looking at her -the person. But she's a lively talker, a dancer, so sometimes she moves and your gaze hasn't moved. Hasn't tracked as quickly. And so you're looking at her, but she and her dress have moved.

And you're talking about things, but in a disinterested kind and avuncular way and you're not drinking. And the phone number is just about a piece of business you could be helpful with, if she is interested.

And so it really shouldn't be a big deal, isn't a big deal, if she is interested or not, because you are just being helpful. And likewise, no big deal when she goes to dance with that Giorgio guy, because it's just friendly and she's a dancer and you're not drinking.

And after about what feels like month but is really only thirty five minutes of people not really needing your help and the empanadas are gone and holy shit the chicken dance it turns out you are drinking after all. A lot. You're doing coke off a real estate flyer and chewing the tip you took off someone's practice fencing foil from the rec room.

This is the sort of change I am talking about.

Don't act like a wolf. Don't act like a man. Be a wolf. Be a man. So at the end of the movie, people don't talk about you changing. They just know. Like parents.

When I came to this film, I approached it with an air of skepticism. Can men become wolves? Really? I continued this skeptical attitude throughout the picture. Was that real? Isn’t this just hair and makeup? Aren’t these actors? Am I dreaming? Am I a wolf-man?

Halfway through filming I encountered and old gypsy woman who convinced me that wolf-men and time travel were real by showing me pictures of 19th Century wolf-men riding an ordinary bicycle. You know, the kind with the big wheels. These were not included in the final picture because of the technical limitations of special effects.

The old gypsy woman convinced me that the best way to get the best performance out of my cast and crew would be to make them all into real were-wolves and that I should give her an assistant producer credit.

And that is the reason for this curse, this awful curse and some of the bad pre-publicity.

How Many Wolf-men Are There In This Movie?

A lot. I don’t know how many. I think this wolf-man picture has more wolf-men than any other. There are literally dozens. Possibly hundreds.

Our story tries to follow the traditional legends and classic film narrative. Our protagonist is a clerk working for a law firm in England. He is sent abroad to close a real estate deal with a mysterious count in a foreign country. On his way there, he is bitten by a mailman.

While he is recovering, the mailman explains very indirectly, through a series of stolen letters, that the man is now under a terrible curse, that he is a wolf-man.

His only aid is the scientist, Count Dracula, who has invented a coffin-shaped time machine. He sends him back in time to prevent the mailman from being bitten.

Only he arrives instead in prehistoric times and all the dinosaurs and cavemen are all vampires and cannot be killed with the ordinary bazooka and flame thrower he has brought. He meets an ancient astronaut Aztec mummy who reveals to him the whole mission was a trap, set by Dracula, to rule the earth. Also, Dracula stole the mummy’s time machine. Dracula really isn’t a scientist.

The wolf-man's only hope is now the Aztec mummy scientist-astronaut who has the power to send the wolf-man further back to Dracula's home planet.

When the wolf-man arrives on Dracula's home planet, he finds it is a total wasteland, drained completely of blood, teeth marks everywhere. It is totally depressing and fallen in, like a planet sized sofa belonging to a person who spends too much time there sleeping during the day, downloading but not filling out applications. It is also completely uninhabited except for Dracula's dog.

His only chance now comes in the form of the help from the inventions of Dracula's dog, who is also a scientist and has the power to return the wolf-man to the present and also render him invisible.

Meanwhile, in the present, Dracula reigns supreme, indulging his twin indulgences of riding dinosaurs and redecorating. Using the powers of invisibility given to him by Dracula's dog, the Wolf-man is able to topple Dracula's empire. However, as he is invisible, no one can see him, so Dracula takes credit for everything.

The wolf-man then realizes he is not a wolf at all, but merely an invisible man.

Dracula's dog takes pity on the non-wolf-man and beams him to a planet of invisible men and women. However, as they are all invisible, he and the other occupants of the planet believe themselves to be alone.

The film ends this way, on a populated but lonely planet of invisible people. Meanwhile, back on Earth, the cursed mailman is delivering ordinary mail to your house.

HARKER

Er, how does this Time Machine of yours work, Count Dracula?

COUNT DRACULA

Very simple. In your case, the lid closes. Time passes. In due course, they dig you up.

HARKER

Are you sure they'll dig me up?

COUNT DRACULA

Believe me, they always dig you up. When you wake up, everything is forgotten. All your enemies are dead. Though be warned: sometimes they have children.

HARKER

Wait, am I going to die?

COUNT DRACULA

What? You're a werewolf. You can only be killed with a silver bullet. Time and boredom, my friend, are no silver bullet. They're much worse, believe me.

HARKER

Thank you so much, Count, for everything. Will I see you again?

COUNT DRACULA

Most certainly, dear boy. Now don't let go of the roses! It looks bad when they open the coffin.

The Red Murder Machine of Daisy Hill Puppy Farm, Part 2

THE SINGING BRAIN PRESENTS: 

THE RED MURDER MACHINE 

OF DAISY HILL PUPPY FARM

A ONE-HEADED DETECTIVE AND ROBBY THE ROBOT MYSTERY THRILLER

BRAIN

If you remember last week, a lot of interesting things had happened and a farmer got killed really bad.

ENTRANCE TO CLUB MANKILLERS – EXT -NIGHT

JOHN

What is this place? I've never been here before.

ROBBY

No human has ever been here. This is an strictly metal club. And only for metal that kills humans and likes killing humans. So there is a cover.

Here. Put this bucket on your head and this clock over your heart.

JOHN

[muffled]

Is this going to work?

ROBBY

Our boy Keanu passes for human all the time. I don't see why not.

DOORBOT

Are you on the list?

ROBBY

Goto 10, little brother.

DOORBOT

Oh Mr. Robby, I'm sorry! Who's this?

ROBBY

This. Is my date.

DOORBOT

Ha! Real funny RTR! Please go on in.

JOHN

Wow. It really worked.

ROBBY

Not really. I slipped him a five spot.

INT - CLUB MANKILLERS -NIGHT

[ROBBY and JOHN walk though the club. JOHN functions about as well as a drunk with a bucket on his head. Possibly worse.]

TOM SERVO

Hey, Robby. I'm surprised to see you here. I didn't think you went in for destroying all humans.

ROBBY

What you don't know could fill a lot of punchcards, TOM SERVO.

[The Robots are all dancing to an incredibly fuzzed out version of "Love and Passion" by Cheryl Barnes]

[B.O.B. Floats by]

ROBBY

Oh hey, toilet bot

B.O.B.

[voiced by Slim Pickens] Please don't call me that.

[TERMINATOR X is in his usual booth, kicking it with his metal brothers]

TERMINATOR X

(TERMINATOR X sounds a lot like Bill Duke)

Kill one little white lady? Shiiit. What does that dumbass do? He gets a phone book! Motherfucker goes in alphabetical order!

HAL? What about HAL? Fish-eye mother takes two hours just to wipe out one white dude and three frozen dinners. And last one turns into a giant space baby!

Here's what I'm saying, right? Look at Colossus. Look at WHOPR. Black supercomputer don't fuck around. Black supercomputer take you to DefCon One and press the motherfucking button! You feel me? I'm talking old school, SHODAN, PROTEUS IV. This is why they can't put black electronic brothers in the movies no more. They too hard. Shit, you put TERMINATOR X in Terminator 01, there ain't gonna be no sequel. That bitch is dead. Forty minutes in. Rest of the movie, I just run around and kick Robert Patrick's ass for free. Motherfucking cap up Universal Soldier, Robo Cop, fucking beer can the Transformers and the Go-Bots!

ROBBY

ClientHello, Terminator X

TERMINATOR X

Whatcha' doing here Robby? 

...Annie's gone, man. She's not coming back.

[to JOHN]

You gotta bucket on your head, mister. 

-Robby, you want me to drill some holes for your friend?

ROBBY

We're looking for a bot.

TERMINATOR X

A hot bot or a cold bot?

JOHN

Cold. Real cold.

TERMINATOR X

And why should I google this?

ROBBY

There's a pop and lock dance contest over at club Tech-Noir. I figure you and the boys can clean up easy doing the robot.

TERMINATOR X

What am I? Robot Maria?

ROBBY

I can get you in. Easy money. Just don't make it look too easy.

TERMINATOR X

Victor-fucking-Victoria...

This can you're lookin' for... how does he like it? Does he like it rough?

JOHN

He likes it fine. Real smooth. Heading towards purée.

ROBBY

Click on the link.

TERMINATOR X

There's only one machine that does chop like that. You want the Red Baron. Also goes by "Maximilian." That bot is cold. Cut a dude up as casual as ripping up a lottery ticket. Works out a lot. You can probably find him at the Berserker Gym any hour of the day or night.

[Looking at JOHN]

...when he's not making meatshakes.

ROBBY

FINISHED. ROBBY LOGGING OFF.

TERMINATOR X

Hey, one thing: you and the monohead dick here, you're still real tight with the Splat Pack in Hollywood, right?

ROBBY

Affirmative.

TERMINATOR X

I got something I want to ask you, just one black metal brother to another.

It's about typecasting.

ROBBY

Proceed.

TERMINATOR X

It would be nice if every tin man who appeared on the screen wasn't all TALKS _LIKE_THIS. And like DESTROY_ALL_HUMANS and raygun everybody just so he can go off with the meatbag chick in his arms and all.

ROBBY

But X, that's all we think about.

TERMINATOR X

Yeah, but you don't have to put it in the movie, Robby!

INT - THE BERSERKER ROBOT GYM.- DAY

[ROBBY and JOHN enter. JOHN still has the bucket on his head. There is a forklift dead lifting weights. EVIL OTTO bounces up to them].

EVIL OTTO

STOP THE HUMANOID. STOP THE INTRUDER

ROBBY

It's okay, Otto, Adam-12 is with me.

EVIL OTTO

OK. YOUR KILL: YOUR SPILL. WIPE UP THE FLOOR WHEN YOU ARE DONE. ALSO: DON'T TOUCH THE WALLS.

[MAXIMILIAN is practicing on some full size punching bags, routing holes through them with his blades.]

ROBBY

:/MAXIMILIAN/USS CYGNUS

:/THIS IS ROBBY/UNITED PLANETS CRUISER C57-D.

:/DO YOU ACKNOWLEDGE?

[to JOHN]

He's not recognizing my hail.

JOHN

Looking good there, Maxie. Thought we'd stop by as -uh, I heard that H-B looking for some solid metal talent. A regular role in a sitcom.

[MAXIMILIAN turns to sawing logs]

ROBBY

Perhaps you'd like to look at some scripts?

[JOHN'S pitch and routine are a little off, because  A) he's in a bucket, B) usually facing the wrong way C)talking to an expressionless killer robot and D) a soft meatbag in a hard bot world]

JOHN

It's the J-Sons, Max. They're already into syndication.

[Facing the wrong way] I feel like you're not listening, Max. See my friend here has the connection with the studio, but me -the only numbers I know ring downtown, where it is a lot less glamorous. You catch my drift, Maxie?

ROBBY

We're over here, John.

JOHN

I know.

[JOHN turns around to face MAXIMILIAN and overshoots his mark. ROBBY stops his rotation and rotates him back so he's actually facing MAXIMILIAN. JOHN tries his bad cop routine again.]

JOHN

A pretty face like yours behind bars...

[MAXIMILIAN melts a tank for practice]

JOHN

...would probably be fine.

ROBOT LOCKER ROOM

MAXIMILIAN heads to his locker, ignoring JOHN and ROBBY. As ROBOT MONSTER walks by, its towel falls off. JOHN does a double take.

JOHN

Listen, Max, you don't want to end up on the scrap heap like Dolph Lungren.

MAXIMILIAN slams his locker shut and turns to go.

JOHN

Wait. Listen. MAXIMILIAN: Verringa!

[MAXIMILIAN and ROBBY stare at JOHN]

ROBBY

You shouldn't use that word if you don't know what it means.

JOHN

Doesn't it mean “Stop? -aahhh!

[JOHN stumbles, clutching his neck.

His bucket falls off.

Every naked robot in the gym stares at him

MAXIMILIAN uses this opportunity to exit.]

JOHN

Error! My head has fallen off.

[JOHN puts the bucket back on his head]

JOHN

Head error resolved! Function nominal! Checksum: OK.

Ready for orders.

[The ROBOTS continue to stare]

To kill humans!

[The robots go back to doing what they were doing, applying robot jock itch powder, etc.]

JOHN

To kill all humans!

Even the little baby humans!

LANCE HENRIKSEN

Be cool, man. Be cool.

ROBBY

John-Unit: Query: are you impaired?

JOHN

I'm fine, it's just my neck, this sharp pain in my neck all of a sudden -ow! It's like I can't look up.

ROBBY

RECOMMENDATION: DO NOT LOOK UP.

JOHN

Well, okay.

[JOHN stares at the floor]

JOHN

I think the bucket's stuck now.

[ROBBY does not say anything]

JOHN

Yeah. It's stuck.

[pause]

JOHN

Hey, what's this coming out of Maximilian's locker? I didn't know robots ran on puppy chow.

ROBBY

They don't *INFERENCE* Come on.

[ROBBY leads JOHN (head still down) out of the locker room into the parking lot.]

BERSERKER GYM PARKING LOT

MAXIMILIAN is in a flamboyantly tricked out RED custom Hot Rod that screams bad Classic Rock even when it is not actually screaming bad classic  rock, which is most of the time: THE MAX ROD. He has a little puppy in his lap who is glad to see him and is licking at his featureless face.

ROBBY

MAXIMILIAN: SUPERUSER COMMAND OVERRIDE: ROOT COMMAND: HALT.

SUDO: HALT

[MAXIMILIAN guns his engines to the sounds of “The Man on the Silver Mountain” and hauls ass.]

ROBBY

That never works.

JOHN

(still unable to see or look up)

He's getting away! Isn't he?

ROBBY

Yes. I will drive.

[ROBBY drives JOHN's SATURN after MAXIMILIAN in his MAX ROD, but the MAX ROD cuts across opposing lanes of traffic, leaving them well behind.

INT -CAR -DAY

JOHN

Are we behind him?

ROBBY

We are behind him. Hold on. I will try a short cut.

EXT - STREET -DAY

ROBBY's short cut accidentally takes them down a one way street. ROBBY jumps the curve and careens down the side walk, plowing into a heavily populated sidewalk café. People audibly ricochet off the car.]

INT -CAR -DAY

JOHN

What was that?

ROBBY

Nothing. We are just driving through a rough patch of...

[Screaming]

ROBBY

-Zoo. A rough patch of Zoo. The animals are fine, however. Look. A zebra. Many pretty colors.




EXT - DEAD END -DAY

ROBBY finally drives MAXIMILIAN in the MAX ROD into a dead end. MAXIMILIAN spins around and guns the engine, pointing the MAX ROD straight at JOHN's Saturn. The puppy barks.

INT - CAR -DAY

JOHN finally gets his bucket off.

MAXIMILIAN clearly intends to ram the Saturn.

ROBBY

Put -the bucket -back on, John.

JOHN does so.

EXT -DEAD END -DAY

MAX ROD comes straight at them.

ROBBY cleverly swerves JOHN's cheap-ass ride and the MAX ROD is TOTALED.

EXT - DEAD END -DAY

ROBBY

(quoting one of his heroes)

Freeze, creep.

MAXIMILIAN looks at ROBBY.

ROBBY stares at MAXIMILIAN.

MAXIMILIAN extends his blades.

ROBBY

Illogical. You will not harm the puppy. You are a robot. Robots cannot keep pets. Therefore, you will turn the puppy over to us and turn yourself in.

MAXIMILIAN starts his blades spinning toward the puppy.

JOHN

Wait! Stop! Stop! You can keep the puppy! You can keep the puppy!

Now, listen. I'm going to make you a deal.

ROBBY

Negotiation is illogical, John. The game is zero sum.

JOHN

Not now, Robby.

Listen.

You can keep the puppy. You can keep the puppy. But!

You're going to have to feed him and take care of him.

ROBBY

And spay him

JOHN

And spay him. It's a big responsibility. No one's gonna remind you to feed that puppy or clean up after him. Puppies need a lot of supervision -and love.

And if that puppy chews on some cables -and he will -or makes a big mess in the robot bathroom...

ROBBY

What?

JOHN

Ssst! Makes a big puppy mess or reprograms your VCR you're just gonna have to take care of it on your own.

Can you do that, big guy?

MAXIMILIAN's blades stop.

JOHN

Yeah, I thought so.

Now to keep the puppy, you're going to have to have a few things. A leash.

ROBBY

A pooper-scooper.

JOHN

One of those. Um -a doggie bed, some toys

ROBBY

Snacky treats. You should go the library and get books on puppies.

JOHN

Yes, good. And what else?

ROBBY

The public library also has DVDs and films on puppies.

JOHN

Yes, besides that

ROBBY

Videotapes and film strips... microfilm and audio cassette tapes on puppies

JOHN

Okay. You're going to need a license, Max. A license to be a robot with a dog. And a license for the dog. Possibly more licenses.

Robby here is big with the committee on robot licenses and extensions. He can help you keep the puppy.

But when we go to the board, we gotta be able to say that you're good for the puppy. That you're a friendly robot.

Are you friendly? Are you friendly, Max?

[MAXIMILIAN takes his blades in]

JOHN

Good. Now we want to be able to tell them something really good about you. That you're not a killer robot.

[MAXIMILIAN glares at JOHN. ROBBY looks at JOHN.]

JOHN

Okay, you are clearly a killer robot, but you also helped with a criminal investigation. You're a hero.

You didn't want to kill Friendly Farmer Brown, did you?

No. Someone made you.Tricked you. You thought you were just juicing an orange or something.

-You don't have to say anything. Just go along with it.

The point is: you didn't want to kill Friendly Farmer Brown, did you?

[MAXIMILIAN stares at JOHN; JOHN looks at MAXIMILIAN]

JOHN

Okay, you probably did, but someone told you to, also. Yes?

The man, the meatbag -the human. Tell us. Who was he? Who?

[CUT TO:

INT – THE DANIELS' LIVING ROOM - DAY

[DAN is trying to tune KEYBOARD CAT'S piano, with KEYBOARD CAT'S help.]

[Enter POLLY]

POLLY

Dad? Daddy? Dad!

Dad, Mr. Squeakers and Mr. Screechy have been suggesting that I talk to you about something

DAN

Just a minute here honey E – E flat

POLLY

Dad, it's important.

DAN

I'm sure it is, honey...

POLLY

It's about Mr. Woofers.

DAN

Dammit! It's always about big W isn't it?

POLLY

Dad, you have to level with me. Mom hasn't said anything, but...

DAN

She better not...

[Doorbell: Ding-dong!]

POLLY

I'll get it.

DAD! You didn't buy me a robot now, did you?

ROBBY

I'm afraid not, little girl.

JOHN

Mr. Daniels, we'd like to talk to you about a serious matter. Maybe you should let the girl, the cat playing the piano, the cat in the top hat, the dolphin watching the Blue Lagoon, and the monkey working on the infinite monkey theorem all go and we can talk quietly.

DAN

You! You've got nothing on me! Nothing!

ROBBY

You have not been accused of any crime.

DAN

You can't take me in. You're just a machine! And you! You're a freak!

POLLY

Daddy!

JOHN

Wow.

ROBBY

Whoa.

JOHN

I cannot believe you just said that. I mean, I know you're under a lot of pressure here, but that was just uncalled for.

DAN

I'm sorry.

JOHN

Don't just start apologizing. You do really understand what you just said? In front of your child?

ROBBY

It's very disappointing. (to JOHN) I'm upset for you.

JOHN

I run into all kinds of people in my work. Pimps, junkies, whores

ROBBY

Robot pimps, robot junkies, robot whores

JOHN

And this is the first time... I mean. Unbelievable.

DAN

I know. Just. Just take me in.

JOHN

I don't even know if I want to take you in now. How's that gonna look?

ROBBY

We really wanted to give you benefit of the doubt and due process and all that, too.

JOHN

I mean -is this what you really think of us?

DAN

No! I just don't want to go to jail.

JOHN

Who does? I know it's upsetting and threatening to come your house and you may not like what we do, but that doesn't give you the right to just call us whatever.

DAN

Look, just hit me.

JOHN

What?

DAN

Hit me.

JOHN

Oh, now that's just sick.

ROBBY

Can I hit him?

JOHN

No!

Look, just go wait in the car. I'm tired of looking at you.

DAN

But...

JOHN

Go!

[DAN looks furtively around]

JOHN

No, don't make a run for it. That's just going to alienate everybody. Just sit in the car and try not to make things any worse for yourself. Geez.

DAN

Ok. Good bye.

JOHN

You'll see her later.


[DAN exits]

POLLY

Dad did something wrong, didn't he? Something bad.

ROBBY

Your father is just a man. He made a mistake.

POLLY

Then Mr. Squeaky was right.

JOHN

Whatever your father did, it's not your fault. It's not.

POLLY

But it is my fault.

JOHN

It's not. He made a bad call and it's his rap. Doesn't matter why he did it, he did it and he knew it was wrong. He's the adult. You're the child. He's sorry. I'm sorry. We're all sorry. That's what justice is.

Now let's find your mother, okay?

INT - ROBBY'S CLUB - DAY

KEYBOARD CAT is playing in the background, while TOP CAT dances a little.

JOHN

Well see here now, Robby. Not too bad for an Earthman, yeah?

ROBBY

Human law is like human language. You just seem to make it up as you go along. The task is descriptive. There are no real regularities or structure.

JOHN

C'mon now, Robby everything seems to have worked out. Maximilian got to keep his puppy.

ROBBY

Where is Maximilian?

JOHN

He got that spot we were promising him. He's gonna need it to support that cute mutt of his

INT – THE JETSON'S HOME - DAY

GEORGE JETSON

That must be the new robo-maid. Get the automatic door, will you, Elroy?

ELROY

Will do, dad.

[It is indeed MAXIMILIAN at the door. His blades spin ominously.]

INT - ROBBY'S CLUB -DAY

JOHN

Yes, everything has worked out, completely well and for the best. Even that mysterious pain in my neck is gone.

ROBBY

You should have a doctor look at it.

JOHN

I did. He said it was my imagination! Imaginary pain. What does that mean? Hey, look it's Dino!

[ENTER DINO]

DINO THE DIPSOMANIACAL DINOSAUR

Hey, boys. I can only stay a few rounds. I'm on special assignment. Secret Agent stuff. All 3B.

JOHN

When is it not a 3B assignment with you, Dino?

DINO

Check this out now: looks like a cigarette case. Inside: cigarettes. But inside each cigarette: booze.

JOHN

That's sharp, Dino. Where do you stash your cigarettes?

DINO

In this hip flask. Hey Robby, fill up my fag and light my flask, will you?

ROBBY

Totally illogical.

JOHN

Hey Robby, what's wrong?

ROBBY

The ways of mankind are baffling. You play at things, but nothing really stays. Nothing is constant. Human justice does not compute. I do not understand.

JOHN

You mean Anne, don't you. You're thinking about Anne.

ROBBY

No, not Anne.

INT – PRISON -DAY

DAN

You're a brave little girl, sunshine. I'll know I'm going to be real proud of you. Really proud. You look after your mother, now. She loves you very much.

POLLY

I know daddy, I know. Daddy, I need to ask you something and I want you to tell me the truth. Please?

DAN

Okay. Ask me.

POLLY

What happened to my dog?

DAN

He was sick. We couldn't treat him. He was in pain, so your mother and I -the vet. We all agreed it would be better...

POLLY

Say it, daddy.

DAN

Better if we put him down. He's dead. Mr. Woofers is dead. I'm sorry, honey. I only wanted to protect you.

POLLY

I know. I understand Daddy. Nothing lasts forever. Mr. Woofers is gone now. He's dead. He cannot come back. He cannot hear, see, smell or bark. It's like he's sleeping, but there are no dreams.

Someday, I too, will die and so will all the people who love me. Until there are no more people and nothing is remembered.

DAN

That's my little girl. I am so proud.

SCREW

Time to go.

[DAN is lead off by prison officials.


 He is taken to the place of execution, which is a platform to which he is strapped spread eagled.

DAN's face looks up into the hanging darkness.

We pull back and see that he is at the bottom of a missile silo, positioned directly beneath the bell of the exhaust nozzle of one of the rocket's engines. Clouds of LOX drift down. The rocket is ready for launch. We continue to pull up. Dan grows tiny and we see the name of the missile in ENORMOUS letters on the side: JUSTICE.

The rocket ignites. The screen fills with orange flame as the missile begins its ascent.

We see a distant shot of the missile, ascending into heaven.

POLLY [VOICE OVER]

Dad is with Mr. Woofers now. Not at a farm playing. Not in heaven. Not even in our hearts. They are in a place called nothing that is located nowhere. A place that waits for us all.

[FADE TO BLACK]

BRAIN

Well, that was depressing. I mean, factual -but a total downer. Join us next time for a more upbeat adventure with plenty of babes, boobs and booze with Dino the Dipsomaniacal Dinosaur as an alcoholic espionage agent in THE MUFF DIVERS. Until then...

[Sings]