Monday, February 21, 2011

To Serve All Mankind


Perhaps the most intriguing questions we face as an entire species is the question of extraterrestrial life. Given everything we know about the universe, its size, relative occurrence of elements, planets and types of stars, life should be a common enough phenomenon. Yet, throughout the entirety of our history, alien intelligence continues to shun and avoid us.

The answer as to why is beyond the scope of this simple essay. Perhaps it is for reasons wholly alien and beyond us we shall never fully comprehend. Instead, this brief guide intends simply and more humbly to summarize what little we do know about alien intelligences, their characteristics and what they taste like.

Simple Foil Will Prevent This Kind of Overcooking

Among gourmands, Greys are the most prized, the taste of their flesh having a seemingly limitless range depending on the organ, how it is prepared, how it is harvested and the affective and cognitive state of the Grey as the flesh is harvested. 

People today are most familiar with "Grey sashimi"(technically Ikizukuri) a cuisine discovered quite by accident during an early technical interview. The skin of the Greys varies enormously in flavor, from the calamari like tastes of the thorasic region, to the robust mackerel like taste of the upper arms and legs, to the sweet eggy taste of the anal and cloacal regions and the mild musky custardly tastes of the face, which are exceeded in deliciousness only by the "Cadbury egg" like delights of the pupil-less staring eyes, with which they are usually served.

 This is no doubt due to the role the skin plays as the organ of ingestion and excretion for the organism. The Greys literally spend their lives marinating themselves in tastiness, which accounts for their incredible range of flavors.


Reptillians taste exactly like they appear, like big tasty lizards. It's anyone's guess as to whether these yummy interlopers are more popular as entertainers, world leaders, queens of England, or simply delightful snacks.

Humanity remains firmly divided, however, on the best way to prepare Reptillians, whether deep fried, as in American South and China (where they are typically eaten whole), chopped into a hearty stew or chowder as in Russian and English preparations, or fermented with milk as in Mongolia. One thing is for sure, with burrito al draco, guacomole and hot sauce is a must. 

Whether they have crossed the enormous sleeping distances of the stars to rule or exterminate us, the shape shifting flesh of the Reptilians is lean and high in "good fat" (though also containing some "bad" gamma particles).


Despite their appearance, Nordics taste surprisingly like chicken

As robots, sasquatches have no real taste. Their tough external hide, however, is bioengineered and tastes like a mix of naugahyde, Corinthian leather and tofurky.

Light and peppery, Mothmen aren't for everyone, described even by aficionados as somewhat like spicy Doritos covered with snuff, spices and rubber eraser shavings.

However the odd taste and difficulty of preparing Mothmen hasn't kept them off the menu, but rather has led to some the more complex and delicate recipes on post contact menus, particularly for sublimate soups.

Funk Lords
In a word, funky.

The flesh of Nagas is suitable for curries and other tropical preparations. However, its consumption is generally discouraged. See also, Wub, Martians.

Monday, February 7, 2011

The Wild Asses

Are all female. They bray and cuss in the dust. They fall on the ground and roll in great clouds of obscurity. Here there is nothing, and it hurts the eye. The asses knock about, in pointless inscrutable games. They are obstinate and willful. This place is nothing more than a plate of dust, which they occupy as some unprovoked protest, as though their constant tramping upon it kept it from rising into the sun.

Once a year they disappear. Their oasis is heaven, where they drink the blue waters, where there is food in abundance, where a kind wind blows and nothing contests their presence, for heaven is empty, entirely empty.

The wild asses are allowed this privilege, alone. For they are the only creatures, that, given the privilege, invariably return, stubborn, unpersuaded.