Monday, July 26, 2010

My Rejected Wiki Edits to "Crocodile Attacks"

Precautions and information

This section may contain material not appropriate for an encyclopedia. Please discuss this issue on the talk page. (January 2010)

Just because crocodiles are not visibly present does not mean that an area is safe to swim. In fact, crocodiles that view humans as prey usually hide at the first sign of humans (i.e. a car parking or footsteps). However, not all crocodiles view humans as prey. Only the incredibly large and dangerous ones.

A 6-meter-long crocodile can lie completely invisible in less than a foot of muddy water. However, the anti-protons that leak from their cloaking field can be used to detect them.

Large crocodiles have the strongest biting force of any animal alive- exceeding 5000 psi. As such, they are quite capable of biting entirely through a policeman in body armor, police cruiser or ambulance door, just when you think you are safe.

Most attacks by large crocodiles are over within a few seconds or less. However, it will seem like forever.

Most human victims succumb to drowning long before dismemberment and consumption take place. We hope.

Crocodiles become more aggressive during the mating season. This season only includes the months where the Earth orbits the sun.

Crocodiles can move very quickly over short distances on land. By flying.

Crocodiles won't hunt their prey on land over a distance longer than a couple of feet. They don't have a high stamina and don't want to waste energy. If you can escape their first strike and run a couple of meters, you are usually safe. Yep, as safe as a person only a couple of meters away from an unstoppable killing machine.

Crocodiles are adept at learning and memorizing routines, such as the location of nearby campers or the routes of travelers. If you have used a birthday or anniversary as a pin number, it’s pretty much over.

In water, crocodiles tend to drag their prey under and drown them.

Crocodiles can slow their metabolism to such an extent that a tree with an intruder hiding in its branches may be guarded continuously for several weeks, without breaks for food. Then, once you've built a tree house around it and let your adorable children have their first backyard sleep out with their little friends ...I don't even want to think about it.

Crocodiles have strong muscles for closing their jaws and holding them shut, but weak muscles for opening them. This and an unshielded thermal exhaust port, are the crocodile’s only flaws.

There is a sensitive flap in a crocodile's throat, known as the glottis, which they use for breathing. As a result, as with some other predators, forcing the arm into the throat may encourage release, although this is not certain by any means and may instead lead to the arm being severed. If this happens, try the other arm.

Sometimes, an attacking crocodile will bite, hold on, and then rapidly spin its body to weaken its prey or tear off limbs (the "death roll"). This is actually even more horrible than it sounds. Really. They can't even really show this stuff on animal programs because it's so disturbing people would basically just give up.

When crocodiles see prey, they will duck under the water and when they reach their target, jump out and bite. Humanity has no defense against this.

When a crocodile is near a large pile of leaves and sticks it is usually a female in mating season and very vicious. If there are no leaves or sticks, then it is a male and only normally vicious, unless it is a female that has lost its large pile of leaves and sticks, in which case it is incredibly vicious.

Monday, July 12, 2010

My Reviews of Various Fuck-Swings

F-22 Rapture: Erotic Dominance Fighter
Despite it's title, your basic entry-level model. Simple design, washable and as easy to install just using the mounts for hanging plants April left.

Captain Fantasy's Frigging Rigging
Oh yeah. Something could happen here. Definitely.

Apex Dragonrider

Propriety pulley system gives "superior impulse" and dampens unwanted spin. Excellent design and specs. Would love to know how this actually performs.

The Right-Stuff Zero-G Sextronaut Trainer
Great reviews, but notoriously hard to master. Not sure if I can really use/need the full 360 rotation. Really turned on by the manual's description of "full power landings" and "no stall pitch and roll," but honestly quite stymied by actual assembly, tired, went to bed had to look for a job tomorrow.

EZ-Lover Shover
Lower quality product with less give and elasticity. Seems to hold one person okay.

Bondage King's Sextra Supreme Tie-Up Trapeze for Fulsome Slaves
Not really comfortable or clear with all the straps. Also, found myself crying for some reason.

Rumid's Exstasy Webbing
Fairly generic remake of the discontinued Zodiac Wall-Climber. Stringy, weak bungees have little or no response. A total disappointment. Reminds me old stretched out bras my mom used to wear around the house. Why didn't she ever throw anything away?

The Red Baron
A good fit for an import, with comfortable padding. Actually sat in this one for a while, imagining myself diving out of the sun. Okay for watching TV, amusing the cat. Left it up as the gentle rocking helps me get back to sleep.

Sunset Superman
This is it. Black and smooth. I set this one up on a ladder. Incredible acceleration. Feels so good I never want to take it off. I could catch some serious air in this thing.

She was wrong about me, you know.