Blacula vs. Caligula vs. Asslicula, AD 1973, Act IV, Scene 19, Scene 20 (Incomplete)

Blacula vs. Caligula vs. Aslicula, AD 1973, Act III

Act III

9 EXT THE BAY AREA -NIGHT

Suddenly, we are looking at a different film entirely, shot grainily and amateurishly in 16 mm (if that), the camera informally held.
We see underexposed innocuous establishing shots of the Bay Area: houses, trees, park scenes, at dusk and at night. They are largely empty of people and interest. Yet unexpectedly, we hear a Bernard Hermann musical sting poorly ripped from another film.
There is a pause.



CUT TO
More unthreatening footage.



We hear the musical sting again.
Then,

MAN'S VOICE OVER

Night. The whole city lies before me. Naked. Like a pair of shoes. That don't fit and smell bad.

CUT TO

Shots of dull, sedate nightlife.

MAN'S VOICE OVER

Nights like this. I ...don't ...dare ....go out.

CUT TO

A shot of the moon.

MAN'S VOICE OVER

The moon's got nothing to do with it.

CUT TO
A dumpy balding man with a mustache and thick glasses. He looks a lot like George Kuchar, the great filmmaker, just as this reel looks inexplicably like one of his films. It's all merely a coincidence, however. It is, however, he, who has been narrating.

GEORGE KUCHAR

(not to be confused with the filmmaker)

It's something inside of me.

CUT TO

10 VARIOUS -DAY

We see GEORGE KUCHAR go about his daily routine: waking up, having breakfast, going to work, talking to his mother,reading Monsters of Filmland. As in Hold Me While I'm Naked, a film by a different (wholly unrelated) George Kushar, all the voices are eerily dubbed by GEORGE KUCHAR. From all we see, we learn the following:

1. George is depressed.
2. George is lonely.
3. George is horny.

CUT TO

11 VARIOUS -DAY

GEORGE trying to pick up on women from all walks of life and professions, on generally inappropriate or awkward occasions. Despite this handicap,it's a total debacle.

The women all come from different professions and backgrounds. However, they all share one phenotypic trait: they all have really big butts.

CUT TO

12 VARIOUS -NIGHT

A streetwalker's corner. Sex workers work the curb. GEORGE's car pulls up jerkily and accidentally jumps the curb slightly. GEORGE awkwardly pulls off the curb and tries to act all cool, but the ladies are fleeing.

CUT TO

13 A FLOPHOUSE BEDROOM -NIGHT

Enter RAINBOW and GEORGE

RAINBOW

Boy, sure I hope they didn't give me that room again, but I can't ever remember. You want to take off that hat and glasses, hon? You look like a police sketch.

GEORGE shuffles in a nervous way.

RAINBOW

Is this like your first time, because I'm like not really good at this either oh shit I'm not supposed to say that Harvey will be really mad if you say that I said that so don't say that I said that not like you've got a customer comment card or anything but I used to work in a Pizza Hut and man, people would say some pretty nasty unrealistic things even though you don't make the pizza or anything and you basically only escort the pizza for about ten to twenty feet it just like the copy shop where did you get that coat that's like a ladies' coat.

GEORGE

It's my mom's. I didn't have a long coat.

RAINBOW

You can tell because of the buttons because I also worked at Fashion Bug the buttons are on the left side or is it the right side and there I think the problem really was management because I got along with customers fine especially the kids that and I lied on my resume but who calls those numbers, right? I mean I had already been an employee for twenty-four hours I think the buttons go on the other side do you want me to blow you or what?

GEORGE

Ah. Nah. I, uh ... want ..hu

RAINBOW

Oh that's okay. It's not like this is time-based or anything. Oh wait, it totally is, I should set a timer or something, do you remember when we started because anyway I'm not really good at adding and subtracting time because like my personality profile is like ENT-ANT and I'm random abstract so I changed my major and so can you tell me when it's like fifteen minutes or I could ask Bruce, no I hate Bruce forget that, whatever, do you need more time with like a menu or something?

RAINBOW

Hey, it's okay, because no one is like judging you or anything. Not like those judges, man, let me tell you. Wait, check this out, I got this underwear from like Heckler and Koch.

GEORGE

Uh...

RAINBOW

Heh. Not bad for a mom, right? You can barely see where they have that scar for the see-sarian.

GEORGE

Y... you got a kid?

RAINBOW

Yeah, totally, check him out! He's the best.

RAINBOW goes into her phone for pictures.

RAINBOW

Oh yeah, I'm totally not supposed to tell you stuff about myself and all, but you've got an honest face and it's not like they can take him away again already fucking judges.

GEORGE

Aw...geez. Seems like a real nice kid

RAINBOW

Yeah. That's not his motorcycle.

GEORGE

Uh...Yeah.. You know I don't think

RAINBOW

Ohmigodohmigod. I freaked you out didn't I? Ohshitohshit. Look don't get freaked out. If you want to you can come on a pillow or my ears or something. You like freaky stuff right? That's what you said. I can pretend like I'm dead or you're dead or your mom or whatever. Man, that is the wrong thing to say, stick to the script Marcie!

GEORGE

No, it's not, it's just

RAINBOW

Shitshitshit. Look just give a second here. Damage control. Oh god. Oh god. This, this is the worst self-improvement course ever.

GEORGE

I think I'd better...

RAINBOW

Look. Look. You seem like a nice guy. You like me right? I'm okay, right? Please say yes. Just say yes and you can go and all. I'll get you a refund for the room. Well, I can't really do that but can you just tell me that I'm okay?

GEORGE

You're okay Rainbow, you're okay

RAINBOW

Marcie, I'm Marcie. Look, this is what happens when you give kids Riddlin and put them in Montessori school and also feel them up occasionally. It's fucked up! Shit. How about a hot coca?

GEORGE

It's okay. I have some money like I promised. You can just

RAINBOW

Oh man! I am never going to make it as a prostitute! I'm going to have to go back to Gamestop!

GEORGE

Don't cry

RAINBOW

I was in AP English, you know. I got a five. I had an abortion. They didn't even tell me what they fuck they were going to do.

RAINBOW

You're a nice guy. Tell me what you were going to do to me. Were you going to fuck me? Were you going cum on my tits or my face?

GEORGE

No, no, I just wanted, to, to you know

RAINBOW

You wanted to taste me. You like it down there? I like it down there. I lot of people tell me that. Girls, boys. I like it. It's nice

GEORGE

Yeah, but I want...

RAINBOW

I like that, too. You can do that. I'll do you, too. It's sweet. Here, take a look.

GEORGE

No, no

CROSS FADE: SOUND OF SIRENS

CUT TO

14 A FLOPHOUSE EXTERIOR-DAY

POLICE CORDON OFF ANOTHER CRIME SCENE

CUT TO

15 A CATHOLIC CHURCH

A distraught GEORGE barrels in and staggers into confession. We see his lips and hairy mustache muttering his confession, but we don't hear it clearly. We see the FATHER's eyes through the screen: their expression is unreadable and unfamiliar. GEORGE weeps. FATHER says a HAIL MARY.

Immediately after GEORGE exits, we see the FATHER put a “PLEASE USE NEXT WINDOW” sign in front of his window. The FATHER takes out an baroquely gilded cell phone with a delicate crucifix on it. When the phone is flipped open, the crucifix hangs upside down.

CUT TO

16 A SWANKY PENTHOUSE, POOLSIDE

Naked girls do yoga. A robot enters with a tray of martinis. A phone rings. A phone on a tray is brought to a sunglassed figure in a purple bathrobe. It is CALIGULA

CUT TO

17 A CATHOLIC CHURCH

The FATHER abases himself and relates to his lord what GEORGE has told him, in ancient Latin.

CUT TO

18 A SWANKY PENTHOUSE, POOLSIDE

CALIGULA, SERVANT

CALIGULA

Bene, bene. Deus vult. (hangs up)

A serpent that bites a man is just a serpent. But what is a serpent that bites a serpent that bites the first serpent?

You cannot answer. You are not a god. I, Jupiter, wisest of Gods, answer

SERVANT

Shall we inform the Dark Prince that we have found the Oshunmare?

CALIGULA

(to the air)

O Prince! O Prince. Harken! Ourobouros! The Great Worm is reborn! There! We have fulfilled our compact.

Now, get me the local Young Men's Catholic Association

The SERVANT dials and hands the phone to CALIGULA

CALIGULA

(as it's ringing.)

I've nothing against Catholics, but Jesus, some of these guys really creep me out -and I invented most of the pervy stuff.

Blacula vs. Caligula vs. Asslicula, AD 1973, Act I

Act I

Scene One: Open


Darkness. We hear heavy labored breathing and the sound of stalking. Some leaves move. We realize we see the killer’s POV: we are the killer. Strange music is heard. We come upon the open window to a house. We hear women's voices.

GIRL #2

Hurry up, we don’t want to be late.




We see into a girl’s bed room on the second floor. GIRL#1 in her bra is struggling into really tight stretchy pants. Her butt is really enormous. Really. She’s like a queen bee. The author objects to the objectification of women and other human beings, particularly in cinema and is really not a “butt man” but this is all part of the genre. This is important.


The killer is excited. We hear this from his breathing.


He looks around and finds a door. He gently tries it. It is locked. We hear more voices and movement; his glance darts around and he scuttles to cover. He finds another door. He tries it. It is unlocked.


He is inside. He skulks around. Looking both ways down corridors, his breathing rapid, but stilfed. He listens. He hears a door open and footsteps. He shoots upstairs.


We come into the girl’s bedroom. Clothes lie on the floor. There is the sound of returning footsteps. The killer retreats into the closet, closing the door, peering through the slats. The girl returns with more stretch pants. She is about to put her top on, when she drops an earring. It falls into the bright yellow shag rug that is deep as a mod prairie. She bends over looking for her earring. Her butt fills the screen like a H-bomb cloud. By the killer’s breathing we can hear he is excited by this. Unlike the scriptwriter, he is obsessed with butts. He has other problems, too, this much has already been established.

GIRL #2 enters.

GIRL #2

What is taking you so long?

GIRL #1

I dropped an earring.

GIRL #2

(Sighs in irritation) I’ll help you find it.


GIRL #2 bends over with GIRL #1; her butt is even more enormous. It’s like twin beanbags pregnant with beach balls. Again, that’s no reflection on her as a person, or people with large behinds because there is a great deal of normal human variation. But if you’re really into this sort of thing, well, it’s incredible. It's a big day for our voyeur. His excitement increases terrifically, as both GIRLs root around in the shag rug that comes up to their ankles and wrists.

GIRL #3

(Offscreen) Hey, where is everybody?

GIRLs #1 & #2

We’re in here.



GIRL #3 enters. Explanations are made. Soon all three are bent over rooting in the shag rug. GIRL #3 behind is bigger than the other two put together. There’s no way she can sit down unless someone stretches out a fishing net, or topples over a soccer goal. She bends over. The screen is filled with three enormous suns bobbing and stretching: the killer’s breathing reaches a violent, surely audible pitch.

GIRL #1

Maybe this would go more quickly if we took these constricting pants off.

MR. SEACREST, THE BUS DRIVER enters.

MR. SEACREST, THE BUS DRIVER

Hey girls, I thought everyone was ready to go. What’s everyone doing in here?

GIRL #2

Oh hi, Mr. Seacrest. Girl number one here lost an earring.

MR. SEACREST, THE BUS DRIVER

Hmm, I’m actually pretty good a finding these sorts of things. Let me have a look.


Mr. Seacrest, the Bus Driver bends over. His butt is ten times the size of any of the girl’s butt’s. It’s not even clear how he entered the room. There isn’t even room enough on the screen to show all of Mr. Seacrest, the Bus Driver’s butt; you have to access it under special features in the the DVD.


At the appearance of this fourth butt, the killer’s excited breathing climaxes into a groan of fury. The screen cuts to black and the sound of the closet door breaking and shouts of alarm are heard.


Scene 2: The Next Day


It is daytime. We fade in on the same door the killer came in. We hear the sound of police radio; police enter the shot, coming and going. The police have been over the scene all morning. We follow LT. JACK PETERS in.

We see GIRL#1’s bedroom again. It’s wrecked. The bodies of all four are strewn about. There is no blood.

DET. LT. JACK PETERS

This is goddamn masac-cree, like that, uh, Al Bundy guy.

FORENSIC EXAMINER

There’s no blood.

LT. JACK PETERS

So they were strangled?

FORENSIC EXAMINER

No, there’s no blood at all in the bodies. They’re totally exsanguinated.


A horrible familiarity dawns upon Lieutenant Detective Jack Peters.

LT. JACK PETERS

No blood.

FORENSIC EXAMINER

No: they’re totally exsanguinated. Which means there’s no blood at all in the bodies.

Creepy recollection music plays.

LT. JACK PETERS

No blood, no blood.

FORENSIC EXAMINER

Yes, there’s no blood at all in the bodies. In other words they’re totally exsanguinated.

LT. JACK PETERS

Sucked dry.

FORENSIC EXAMINER

There’s only two wounds on any of the bodies.

LT. JACK PETERS

Yeah. I know.

(Creepy revelation music plays. LT. JACK PETERS bends down to turn down the collar of one of the victims to reveal –nothing, unblemished skin.)

FORENSIC EXAMINER

Not there, Lieutenant.

(LT. JACK PETERS is surprised)

FORENSIC EXAMINER

Down there.


The FORENSIC EXAMINER points to the lower part of the victim.


(LT. JACK PETERS bends down to examine the crotch of one of the victims)

FORENSIC EXAMINER

Not down there, Lieutenant.


Down there.


The FORENSIC EXAMINER points to the victim’s butt.

We cut to a shot of LT. JACK PETER’s horrified face.



Scene 3: The Secret Satanic Police Headquarters.


It is a meeting of the LAPD’s Secret Satanic Order of Satanic Satan Police (SSOSSP); all the police wear dress uniforms with ceremonial inverted pentagrams and executioner’s hoods, beneath a Satanic LAPD shield where Baphomet weighs the scales; in other words, a typical departmental meeting.

LT. JACK PETERS

The Dark Prince, the Father of Lies, the Arch-Fiend has broken the covenant and his promise.

In the name of his Satanic Majesty and his Eternal Servant Samuel L. Williams, Death to Blacula!

ALL

In the Name of Satan and the LAPD: Death to Blacula!




Scene 4: Assault on Blacula’s Funky Pad

On a daylight assault, a SWAT team repels into Blacula’s high-rise condo, smashing through the great blacked out glass walls. They shotgun and then stake several guest coffins. Blacula’s boudoir is a purple canopied circular spinning bed –the cops slash it and the lining of graveyard earth spills out. They trash Blacula’s record collection and collection of bongs. They shoot up his collection of funky shoes. But Blacula is nowhere to be found.


Suddenly, there is the sound of a motorcycle revving: it is a helmeted Blacula on his black motorbike, Bikula.


Blacula charges at the SWAT team with his Zulu spear, taking several out. He swings around and runs at them again, and many crash out the groovy pad's windows to plummet to the street below.



They try and surround Blacula on the pulsating disco dance floor, but he rides up to a dance pole, grabs onto it and swings Bikula in a big circle into the air right into them .

Blacula is everywhere, with his blow gun and nunchucks.



A team storms the room Blacula is in –but he has vanished. Or has he? Above their heads, Blacula holds himself aloft, pressing against the walls with Bikula strapped beneath his legs. He swings Bikula down catching a SWAT team member in the face. They try and return fire, but Blacula is away, swinging back up and riding Bikula upside down on the ceiling. He rides upside down on the ceiling through the entire apartment, slaying them from above.

Finally there is only LT. JACK PETERS left. Blacula swings Bikula in front of him and stops. At the press of a button on Bikula, armored metal plates slide down to block the sunlight. Blacula flips up his visor. Bikula idles. The room fills with Bikula’s hellish exhaust. Blacula says nothing. He takes off his helmet. We see his terrible fangs.

LT. JACK PETERS

(backing away) You broke the rules, Prince, you crossed the river. You killed a city employee.


LT. JACK PETERS fires his gun at BLACULA. It is, of course, quite useless. LT. JACK PETERS reaches for a crucifix, which BLACULA simply twists out of his hand. LT. JACK PETERS reaches for something, but BLACULA’s hands are ahead of him: garlic, vials of holy water and stakes spill out of LT. JACK PETERS’ coat onto the ground.

LT. JACK PETERS

Why Mamuwalde, why? Look at his photo. He was only 47. He was a good bus driver. You sucked his ass dry.

BLACULA looks surprised, grabs the photos out of LT. JACK PETERS’ coat and throws him on the ground.

BLACULA looks at the photos.

BLACULA

Blacula don’t suck that, fool.



BLACULA throws down the photos in disgust.