THE SINGING BRAIN PRESENTS:
THE RED MURDER MACHINE
OF DAISY HILL PUPPY FARM
A ONE-HEADED DETECTIVE AND ROBBY THE ROBOT MYSTERY THRILLER
If you remember last week, a lot of interesting things had happened and a farmer got killed really bad.
ENTRANCE TO CLUB MANKILLERS – EXT -NIGHT
JOHN
What is this place? I've never been here before.
ROBBY
No human has ever been here. This is an strictly metal club. And only for metal that kills humans and likes killing humans. So there is a cover.
Here. Put this bucket on your head and this clock over your heart.
JOHN
[muffled]
Is this going to work?
ROBBY
Our boy Keanu passes for human all the time. I don't see why not.
DOORBOT
Are you on the list?
ROBBY
Goto 10, little brother.
DOORBOT
Oh Mr. Robby, I'm sorry! Who's this?
ROBBY
This. Is my date.
DOORBOT
Ha! Real funny RTR! Please go on in.
JOHN
Wow. It really worked.
ROBBY
Not really. I slipped him a five spot.
INT - CLUB MANKILLERS -NIGHT
[ROBBY and JOHN walk though the club. JOHN functions about as well as a drunk with a bucket on his head. Possibly worse.]
TOM SERVO
Hey, Robby. I'm surprised to see you here. I didn't think you went in for destroying all humans.
ROBBY
What you don't know could fill a lot of punchcards, TOM SERVO.
[The Robots are all dancing to an incredibly fuzzed out version of "Love and Passion" by Cheryl Barnes]
[B.O.B. Floats by]
ROBBY
Oh hey, toilet bot
B.O.B.
[voiced by Slim Pickens] Please don't call me that.
[TERMINATOR X is in his usual booth, kicking it with his metal brothers]
TERMINATOR X
(TERMINATOR X sounds a lot like Bill Duke)
Kill one little white lady? Shiiit. What does that dumbass do? He gets a phone book! Motherfucker goes in alphabetical order!
HAL? What about HAL? Fish-eye mother takes two hours just to wipe out one white dude and three frozen dinners. And last one turns into a giant space baby!
Here's what I'm saying, right? Look at Colossus. Look at WHOPR. Black supercomputer don't fuck around. Black supercomputer take you to DefCon One and press the motherfucking button! You feel me? I'm talking old school, SHODAN, PROTEUS IV. This is why they can't put black electronic brothers in the movies no more. They too hard. Shit, you put TERMINATOR X in Terminator 01, there ain't gonna be no sequel. That bitch is dead. Forty minutes in. Rest of the movie, I just run around and kick Robert Patrick's ass for free. Motherfucking cap up Universal Soldier, Robo Cop, fucking beer can the Transformers and the Go-Bots!
ROBBY
ClientHello, Terminator X
TERMINATOR X
Whatcha' doing here Robby?
...Annie's gone, man. She's not coming back.
...Annie's gone, man. She's not coming back.
[to JOHN]
You gotta bucket on your head, mister.
-Robby, you want me to drill some holes for your friend?
-Robby, you want me to drill some holes for your friend?
ROBBY
We're looking for a bot.
TERMINATOR X
A hot bot or a cold bot?
JOHN
Cold. Real cold.
TERMINATOR X
And why should I google this?
ROBBY
There's a pop and lock dance contest over at club Tech-Noir. I figure you and the boys can clean up easy doing the robot.
TERMINATOR X
What am I? Robot Maria?
ROBBY
I can get you in. Easy money. Just don't make it look too easy.
TERMINATOR X
Victor-fucking-Victoria...
This can you're lookin' for... how does he like it? Does he like it rough?
JOHN
He likes it fine. Real smooth. Heading towards purée.
ROBBY
Click on the link.
TERMINATOR X
There's only one machine that does chop like that. You want the Red Baron. Also goes by "Maximilian." That bot is cold. Cut a dude up as casual as ripping up a lottery ticket. Works out a lot. You can probably find him at the Berserker Gym any hour of the day or night.
[Looking at JOHN]
...when he's not making meatshakes.
ROBBY
FINISHED. ROBBY LOGGING OFF.
TERMINATOR X
Hey, one thing: you and the monohead dick here, you're still real tight with the Splat Pack in Hollywood, right?
ROBBY
Affirmative.
TERMINATOR X
I got something I want to ask you, just one black metal brother to another.
It's about typecasting.
ROBBY
Proceed.
TERMINATOR X
It would be nice if every tin man who appeared on the screen wasn't all TALKS _LIKE_THIS. And like DESTROY_ALL_HUMANS and raygun everybody just so he can go off with the meatbag chick in his arms and all.
ROBBY
But X, that's all we think about.
TERMINATOR X
Yeah, but you don't have to put it in the movie, Robby!
INT - THE BERSERKER ROBOT GYM.- DAY
[ROBBY and JOHN enter. JOHN still has the bucket on his head. There is a forklift dead lifting weights. EVIL OTTO bounces up to them].
EVIL OTTO
STOP THE HUMANOID. STOP THE INTRUDER
ROBBY
It's okay, Otto, Adam-12 is with me.
EVIL OTTO
OK. YOUR KILL: YOUR SPILL. WIPE UP THE FLOOR WHEN YOU ARE DONE. ALSO: DON'T TOUCH THE WALLS.
[MAXIMILIAN is practicing on some full size punching bags, routing holes through them with his blades.]
ROBBY
:/MAXIMILIAN/USS CYGNUS
:/THIS IS ROBBY/UNITED PLANETS CRUISER C57-D.
:/DO YOU ACKNOWLEDGE?
[to JOHN]
He's not recognizing my hail.
JOHN
Looking good there, Maxie. Thought we'd stop by as -uh, I heard that H-B looking for some solid metal talent. A regular role in a sitcom.
[MAXIMILIAN turns to sawing logs]
ROBBY
Perhaps you'd like to look at some scripts?
[JOHN'S pitch and routine are a little off, because A) he's in a bucket, B) usually facing the wrong way C)talking to an expressionless killer robot and D) a soft meatbag in a hard bot world]
JOHN
It's the J-Sons, Max. They're already into syndication.
[Facing the wrong way] I feel like you're not listening, Max. See my friend here has the connection with the studio, but me -the only numbers I know ring downtown, where it is a lot less glamorous. You catch my drift, Maxie?
ROBBY
We're over here, John.
JOHN
I know.
[JOHN turns around to face MAXIMILIAN and overshoots his mark. ROBBY stops his rotation and rotates him back so he's actually facing MAXIMILIAN. JOHN tries his bad cop routine again.]
JOHN
A pretty face like yours behind bars...
[MAXIMILIAN melts a tank for practice]
JOHN
...would probably be fine.
ROBOT LOCKER ROOM
MAXIMILIAN heads to his locker, ignoring JOHN and ROBBY. As ROBOT MONSTER walks by, its towel falls off. JOHN does a double take.
JOHN
Listen, Max, you don't want to end up on the scrap heap like Dolph Lungren.
MAXIMILIAN slams his locker shut and turns to go.
JOHN
Wait. Listen. MAXIMILIAN: Verringa!
[MAXIMILIAN and ROBBY stare at JOHN]
ROBBY
You shouldn't use that word if you don't know what it means.
JOHN
Doesn't it mean “Stop? -aahhh!
[JOHN stumbles, clutching his neck.
His bucket falls off.
Every naked robot in the gym stares at him
MAXIMILIAN uses this opportunity to exit.]
JOHN
Error! My head has fallen off.
[JOHN puts the bucket back on his head]
JOHN
Head error resolved! Function nominal! Checksum: OK.
Ready for orders.
[The ROBOTS continue to stare]
To kill humans!
[The robots go back to doing what they were doing, applying robot jock itch powder, etc.]
JOHN
To kill all humans!
Even the little baby humans!
LANCE HENRIKSEN
Be cool, man. Be cool.
ROBBY
John-Unit: Query: are you impaired?
JOHN
I'm fine, it's just my neck, this sharp pain in my neck all of a sudden -ow! It's like I can't look up.
ROBBY
RECOMMENDATION: DO NOT LOOK UP.
JOHN
Well, okay.
[JOHN stares at the floor]
JOHN
I think the bucket's stuck now.
[ROBBY does not say anything]
JOHN
Yeah. It's stuck.
[pause]
JOHN
Hey, what's this coming out of Maximilian's locker? I didn't know robots ran on puppy chow.
ROBBY
They don't *INFERENCE* Come on.
[ROBBY leads JOHN (head still down) out of the locker room into the parking lot.]
BERSERKER GYM PARKING LOT
MAXIMILIAN is in a flamboyantly tricked out RED custom Hot Rod that screams bad Classic Rock even when it is not actually screaming bad classic rock, which is most of the time: THE MAX ROD. He has a little puppy in his lap who is glad to see him and is licking at his featureless face.
ROBBY
MAXIMILIAN: SUPERUSER COMMAND OVERRIDE: ROOT COMMAND: HALT.
SUDO: HALT
[MAXIMILIAN guns his engines to the sounds of “The Man on the Silver Mountain” and hauls ass.]
ROBBY
That never works.
JOHN
(still unable to see or look up)
He's getting away! Isn't he?
ROBBY
Yes. I will drive.
[ROBBY drives JOHN's SATURN after MAXIMILIAN in his MAX ROD, but the MAX ROD cuts across opposing lanes of traffic, leaving them well behind.
INT -CAR -DAY
JOHN
Are we behind him?
ROBBY
We are behind him. Hold on. I will try a short cut.
EXT - STREET -DAY
ROBBY's short cut accidentally takes them down a one way street. ROBBY jumps the curve and careens down the side walk, plowing into a heavily populated sidewalk café. People audibly ricochet off the car.]
INT -CAR -DAY
JOHN
What was that?
ROBBY
Nothing. We are just driving through a rough patch of...
[Screaming]
ROBBY
-Zoo. A rough patch of Zoo. The animals are fine, however. Look. A zebra. Many pretty colors.
EXT - DEAD END -DAY
EXT - DEAD END -DAY
ROBBY finally drives MAXIMILIAN in the MAX ROD into a dead end. MAXIMILIAN spins around and guns the engine, pointing the MAX ROD straight at JOHN's Saturn. The puppy barks.
INT - CAR -DAY
JOHN finally gets his bucket off.
MAXIMILIAN clearly intends to ram the Saturn.
ROBBY
Put -the bucket -back on, John.
JOHN does so.
EXT -DEAD END -DAY
MAX ROD comes straight at them.
ROBBY cleverly swerves JOHN's cheap-ass ride and the MAX ROD is TOTALED.
EXT - DEAD END -DAY
ROBBY
(quoting one of his heroes)
Freeze, creep.
MAXIMILIAN looks at ROBBY.
ROBBY stares at MAXIMILIAN.
MAXIMILIAN extends his blades.
ROBBY
Illogical. You will not harm the puppy. You are a robot. Robots cannot keep pets. Therefore, you will turn the puppy over to us and turn yourself in.
MAXIMILIAN starts his blades spinning toward the puppy.
JOHN
Wait! Stop! Stop! You can keep the puppy! You can keep the puppy!
Now, listen. I'm going to make you a deal.
ROBBY
Negotiation is illogical, John. The game is zero sum.
JOHN
Not now, Robby.
Listen.
You can keep the puppy. You can keep the puppy. But!
You're going to have to feed him and take care of him.
ROBBY
And spay him
JOHN
And spay him. It's a big responsibility. No one's gonna remind you to feed that puppy or clean up after him. Puppies need a lot of supervision -and love.
And if that puppy chews on some cables -and he will -or makes a big mess in the robot bathroom...
ROBBY
What?
JOHN
Ssst! Makes a big puppy mess or reprograms your VCR you're just gonna have to take care of it on your own.
Can you do that, big guy?
MAXIMILIAN's blades stop.
JOHN
Yeah, I thought so.
Now to keep the puppy, you're going to have to have a few things. A leash.
ROBBY
A pooper-scooper.
JOHN
One of those. Um -a doggie bed, some toys
ROBBY
Snacky treats. You should go the library and get books on puppies.
JOHN
Yes, good. And what else?
ROBBY
The public library also has DVDs and films on puppies.
JOHN
Yes, besides that
ROBBY
Videotapes and film strips... microfilm and audio cassette tapes on puppies
JOHN
Okay. You're going to need a license, Max. A license to be a robot with a dog. And a license for the dog. Possibly more licenses.
Robby here is big with the committee on robot licenses and extensions. He can help you keep the puppy.
But when we go to the board, we gotta be able to say that you're good for the puppy. That you're a friendly robot.
Are you friendly? Are you friendly, Max?
[MAXIMILIAN takes his blades in]
JOHN
Good. Now we want to be able to tell them something really good about you. That you're not a killer robot.
[MAXIMILIAN glares at JOHN. ROBBY looks at JOHN.]
JOHN
Okay, you are clearly a killer robot, but you also helped with a criminal investigation. You're a hero.
You didn't want to kill Friendly Farmer Brown, did you?
No. Someone made you.Tricked you. You thought you were just juicing an orange or something.
-You don't have to say anything. Just go along with it.
The point is: you didn't want to kill Friendly Farmer Brown, did you?
[MAXIMILIAN stares at JOHN; JOHN looks at MAXIMILIAN]
JOHN
Okay, you probably did, but someone told you to, also. Yes?
The man, the meatbag -the human. Tell us. Who was he? Who?
[CUT TO:
INT – THE DANIELS' LIVING ROOM - DAY
[DAN is trying to tune KEYBOARD CAT'S piano, with KEYBOARD CAT'S help.]
[Enter POLLY]
POLLY
Dad? Daddy? Dad!
Dad, Mr. Squeakers and Mr. Screechy have been suggesting that I talk to you about something
DAN
Just a minute here honey E – E flat
POLLY
Dad, it's important.
DAN
I'm sure it is, honey...
POLLY
It's about Mr. Woofers.
DAN
Dammit! It's always about big W isn't it?
POLLY
Dad, you have to level with me. Mom hasn't said anything, but...
DAN
She better not...
[Doorbell: Ding-dong!]
POLLY
I'll get it.
DAD! You didn't buy me a robot now, did you?
ROBBY
I'm afraid not, little girl.
JOHN
Mr. Daniels, we'd like to talk to you about a serious matter. Maybe you should let the girl, the cat playing the piano, the cat in the top hat, the dolphin watching the Blue Lagoon, and the monkey working on the infinite monkey theorem all go and we can talk quietly.
DAN
You! You've got nothing on me! Nothing!
ROBBY
You have not been accused of any crime.
DAN
You can't take me in. You're just a machine! And you! You're a freak!
POLLY
Daddy!
JOHN
Wow.
ROBBY
Whoa.
JOHN
I cannot believe you just said that. I mean, I know you're under a lot of pressure here, but that was just uncalled for.
DAN
I'm sorry.
JOHN
Don't just start apologizing. You do really understand what you just said? In front of your child?
ROBBY
It's very disappointing. (to JOHN) I'm upset for you.
JOHN
I run into all kinds of people in my work. Pimps, junkies, whores
ROBBY
Robot pimps, robot junkies, robot whores
JOHN
And this is the first time... I mean. Unbelievable.
DAN
I know. Just. Just take me in.
JOHN
I don't even know if I want to take you in now. How's that gonna look?
ROBBY
We really wanted to give you benefit of the doubt and due process and all that, too.
JOHN
I mean -is this what you really think of us?
DAN
No! I just don't want to go to jail.
JOHN
Who does? I know it's upsetting and threatening to come your house and you may not like what we do, but that doesn't give you the right to just call us whatever.
DAN
Look, just hit me.
JOHN
What?
DAN
Hit me.
JOHN
Oh, now that's just sick.
ROBBY
Can I hit him?
JOHN
No!
Look, just go wait in the car. I'm tired of looking at you.
DAN
But...
JOHN
Go!
[DAN looks furtively around]
JOHN
No, don't make a run for it. That's just going to alienate everybody. Just sit in the car and try not to make things any worse for yourself. Geez.
DAN
Ok. Good bye.
JOHN
You'll see her later.
[DAN exits]
[DAN exits]
POLLY
Dad did something wrong, didn't he? Something bad.
ROBBY
Your father is just a man. He made a mistake.
POLLY
Then Mr. Squeaky was right.
JOHN
Whatever your father did, it's not your fault. It's not.
POLLY
But it is my fault.
JOHN
It's not. He made a bad call and it's his rap. Doesn't matter why he did it, he did it and he knew it was wrong. He's the adult. You're the child. He's sorry. I'm sorry. We're all sorry. That's what justice is.
Now let's find your mother, okay?
INT - ROBBY'S CLUB - DAY
KEYBOARD CAT is playing in the background, while TOP CAT dances a little.
JOHN
Well see here now, Robby. Not too bad for an Earthman, yeah?
ROBBY
Human law is like human language. You just seem to make it up as you go along. The task is descriptive. There are no real regularities or structure.
JOHN
C'mon now, Robby everything seems to have worked out. Maximilian got to keep his puppy.
ROBBY
Where is Maximilian?
JOHN
He got that spot we were promising him. He's gonna need it to support that cute mutt of his
INT – THE JETSON'S HOME - DAY
GEORGE JETSON
That must be the new robo-maid. Get the automatic door, will you, Elroy?
ELROY
Will do, dad.
[It is indeed MAXIMILIAN at the door. His blades spin ominously.]
INT - ROBBY'S CLUB -DAY
JOHN
Yes, everything has worked out, completely well and for the best. Even that mysterious pain in my neck is gone.
ROBBY
You should have a doctor look at it.
JOHN
I did. He said it was my imagination! Imaginary pain. What does that mean? Hey, look it's Dino!
[ENTER DINO]
DINO THE DIPSOMANIACAL DINOSAUR
Hey, boys. I can only stay a few rounds. I'm on special assignment. Secret Agent stuff. All 3B.
JOHN
When is it not a 3B assignment with you, Dino?
DINO
Check this out now: looks like a cigarette case. Inside: cigarettes. But inside each cigarette: booze.
JOHN
That's sharp, Dino. Where do you stash your cigarettes?
DINO
In this hip flask. Hey Robby, fill up my fag and light my flask, will you?
ROBBY
Totally illogical.
JOHN
Hey Robby, what's wrong?
ROBBY
The ways of mankind are baffling. You play at things, but nothing really stays. Nothing is constant. Human justice does not compute. I do not understand.
JOHN
You mean Anne, don't you. You're thinking about Anne.
ROBBY
No, not Anne.
INT – PRISON -DAY
DAN
You're a brave little girl, sunshine. I'll know I'm going to be real proud of you. Really proud. You look after your mother, now. She loves you very much.
POLLY
I know daddy, I know. Daddy, I need to ask you something and I want you to tell me the truth. Please?
DAN
Okay. Ask me.
POLLY
What happened to my dog?
DAN
He was sick. We couldn't treat him. He was in pain, so your mother and I -the vet. We all agreed it would be better...
POLLY
Say it, daddy.
DAN
Better if we put him down. He's dead. Mr. Woofers is dead. I'm sorry, honey. I only wanted to protect you.
POLLY
I know. I understand Daddy. Nothing lasts forever. Mr. Woofers is gone now. He's dead. He cannot come back. He cannot hear, see, smell or bark. It's like he's sleeping, but there are no dreams.
Someday, I too, will die and so will all the people who love me. Until there are no more people and nothing is remembered.
DAN
That's my little girl. I am so proud.
SCREW
Time to go.
[DAN is lead off by prison officials.
He is taken to the place of execution, which is a platform to which he is strapped spread eagled.
He is taken to the place of execution, which is a platform to which he is strapped spread eagled.
DAN's face looks up into the hanging darkness.
We pull back and see that he is at the bottom of a missile silo, positioned directly beneath the bell of the exhaust nozzle of one of the rocket's engines. Clouds of LOX drift down. The rocket is ready for launch. We continue to pull up. Dan grows tiny and we see the name of the missile in ENORMOUS letters on the side: JUSTICE.
The rocket ignites. The screen fills with orange flame as the missile begins its ascent.
We see a distant shot of the missile, ascending into heaven.
POLLY [VOICE OVER]
Dad is with Mr. Woofers now. Not at a farm playing. Not in heaven. Not even in our hearts. They are in a place called nothing that is located nowhere. A place that waits for us all.
[FADE TO BLACK]
BRAIN
Well, that was depressing. I mean, factual -but a total downer. Join us next time for a more upbeat adventure with plenty of babes, boobs and booze with Dino the Dipsomaniacal Dinosaur as an alcoholic espionage agent in THE MUFF DIVERS. Until then...
[Sings]
