My Super Bowl Picks

For my bookie, Stephen

My early favorite for a win this Super Bowl is the team that scores the most points. But, you might say to me, what about that other team, don’t they have the “fire in the eyes” (enthusiasm to win the game)? My answer is, yes, but not as much as the team that scored the most points: witness the fact that they scored more points. This above all, establishes their desire and ability to win the game.

Other predictions: the game will continue to be played with an oddly shaped “football” by primarily human beings on a planet called “Earth. ” At the end of the game, a trenchcoated detective will not appear to reveal the “football” as being filled with a mixture of diamonds and cocaine and the whole NFL franchise as an elaborate scheme to smuggle both “under the eyes of a million people.” Objects on the field (players, cheerleaders) will not significantly fluctuate in mass or volume in the game without cause. No new species will emerge during the course of the game. Neither team will completely eat the members of the other team, and the spectators will not eat the winning team “to honor them.” Nor will injured players be allowed one tearful phone call to their families, projected on Jumbotron, before being “refurbished.”

Neither team will play entirely naked. Neither will use fire or rocks to better their advantage. No new inventions, or “superweapons” will be created by either team, during a huddle, allowing them to win the game. Both teams will possess a common human language and use bipedal locomotion to play the game. The thumbs of the losing team will not be severed, demoting them to “five-finger men” to “four finger animals” who can now be hunted for sport. Though every member of each team knows how to drive a car, not a single player will demonstrate this skill during the course of the game. Neither team will be discovered to be playing the game entirely asleep, under the direction of a master hypnotist that instructs them through their helmets in the voice of a little girl.

When scoring a winning touchdown, the quarterback will not remove its pants, revealing itself to be a divine huntress hermaphrodite that then inspires an impromptu orgy. This is why this Super Bowl will not be afterwards known as “the Super Bowl of the Mysteries.”

The theme of the half-time show will not be “the unexamined life is not worth living.” Wardrobe failures will not reveal sexual characteristics unknown to contemporary biology. Children will not become obsessed with what they saw, drawing it over and over again in preschool classes and unable to have natural congress later as adults. Nor will the half-time theme be “Las Meninas” by Velázquez, featuring the dwarf from “Twin Peaks” and full-size actors that have elected to become dwarves for this special event. Men will continue to worship the same god, despite his obvious indifference and unwillingness to influence space/time events.

Giant puppies will not invade the stadium revealing the Super Bowl and Puppy Bowl to, in fact, be the same event separated by a thin veneer of false perception. When scoring a winning touchdown, the puppy quarterback will not remove its pants revealing itself to be a divine huntress hermaphrodite that then inspires an impromptu puppy orgy. This is why this Super Bowl will not be afterwards known as “the most incredible dog food ad, ever.”