The Last Lions

The Zoo Wars were not the end. Even after the Video Music Awards that year, some animals survived. Some were kept alive in High Density Urban Nature Reserves. These were typically failed high concept eco-condos and high-rises where squatters and anarcho-greens, neo-neo primitivists and other members of the Burning Man diaspora had basically taken over.

Some of these, such as Paradise Now II had been designed by eco-techs and conservationists. Others, like the Towers of Yff, simply resulted from squatters and tenants husbanding animals in common on floors cleared for this purpose. Paradise Now II is the most famous example of late eco-techture. It was designed as a self-sustaining independent post-arcology. In reality, it functioned like a giant glassed in terrarium. Water was supplied from the rooftop and reclaimed through several floors of marshland.

Unfortunately, during the Great Canker outbreak, Paradise Now II became quite isolationist. Their n-generation power plants (induction arbers, or "electric trees") remained uninfected, but the leadership was completely taken over by Neo-Nazi Primitivists, or “Reichstones.” Life inside the “Cave Reich” seemed to be styled after a bizarre fashion magazine spread, with pelted Teutonic cave-warriors in gelled hair posing with m-generation Heckler and Koch rifles, on a grassy plain with gazelles that overlooked a burning city landscape. Swastikas were carved on “ancient dolmen” (in reality looted from the ruins of Crate & Barrel's Japanese Garden Center) to form Speer-esque ruins of Neolithic civilization.

The Federales of the Free American States became alarmed when rumors began to spread that the citizens of Bed-Reich were retasking the bacilli in their bacfacs to make and stockpile more nitrates than necessary for fertilization. This and their already excess hydrogen reserves pointed to a weapons program. Also, it was revealed that the towers had not been paying their Child Pornography Tax.

The retaking of the Paradise Now II towers is remembered as the worst urban jungle combat operation ever recorded. The intense floor to floor biome to biome fighting was extremely costly, in terms of human life and animal species. Though Animal Rescue Commando teams were famously able to escort out bison, meerkats, a bald eagle and several kinds of fish, this episode is remembered as by conservationists as the extinction of the last remaining lions, shot in the head with a luger by Vice Chancellor Bam-Bam.

Blacula vs. Caligula vs. Aslicula, AD 1973, Act III

Act III

9 EXT THE BAY AREA -NIGHT

Suddenly, we are looking at a different film entirely, shot grainily and amateurishly in 16 mm (if that), the camera informally held.
We see underexposed innocuous establishing shots of the Bay Area: houses, trees, park scenes, at dusk and at night. They are largely empty of people and interest. Yet unexpectedly, we hear a Bernard Hermann musical sting poorly ripped from another film.
There is a pause.



CUT TO
More unthreatening footage.



We hear the musical sting again.
Then,

MAN'S VOICE OVER

Night. The whole city lies before me. Naked. Like a pair of shoes. That don't fit and smell bad.

CUT TO

Shots of dull, sedate nightlife.

MAN'S VOICE OVER

Nights like this. I ...don't ...dare ....go out.

CUT TO

A shot of the moon.

MAN'S VOICE OVER

The moon's got nothing to do with it.

CUT TO
A dumpy balding man with a mustache and thick glasses. He looks a lot like George Kuchar, the great filmmaker, just as this reel looks inexplicably like one of his films. It's all merely a coincidence, however. It is, however, he, who has been narrating.

GEORGE KUCHAR

(not to be confused with the filmmaker)

It's something inside of me.

CUT TO

10 VARIOUS -DAY

We see GEORGE KUCHAR go about his daily routine: waking up, having breakfast, going to work, talking to his mother,reading Monsters of Filmland. As in Hold Me While I'm Naked, a film by a different (wholly unrelated) George Kushar, all the voices are eerily dubbed by GEORGE KUCHAR. From all we see, we learn the following:

1. George is depressed.
2. George is lonely.
3. George is horny.

CUT TO

11 VARIOUS -DAY

GEORGE trying to pick up on women from all walks of life and professions, on generally inappropriate or awkward occasions. Despite this handicap,it's a total debacle.

The women all come from different professions and backgrounds. However, they all share one phenotypic trait: they all have really big butts.

CUT TO

12 VARIOUS -NIGHT

A streetwalker's corner. Sex workers work the curb. GEORGE's car pulls up jerkily and accidentally jumps the curb slightly. GEORGE awkwardly pulls off the curb and tries to act all cool, but the ladies are fleeing.

CUT TO

13 A FLOPHOUSE BEDROOM -NIGHT

Enter RAINBOW and GEORGE

RAINBOW

Boy, sure I hope they didn't give me that room again, but I can't ever remember. You want to take off that hat and glasses, hon? You look like a police sketch.

GEORGE shuffles in a nervous way.

RAINBOW

Is this like your first time, because I'm like not really good at this either oh shit I'm not supposed to say that Harvey will be really mad if you say that I said that so don't say that I said that not like you've got a customer comment card or anything but I used to work in a Pizza Hut and man, people would say some pretty nasty unrealistic things even though you don't make the pizza or anything and you basically only escort the pizza for about ten to twenty feet it just like the copy shop where did you get that coat that's like a ladies' coat.

GEORGE

It's my mom's. I didn't have a long coat.

RAINBOW

You can tell because of the buttons because I also worked at Fashion Bug the buttons are on the left side or is it the right side and there I think the problem really was management because I got along with customers fine especially the kids that and I lied on my resume but who calls those numbers, right? I mean I had already been an employee for twenty-four hours I think the buttons go on the other side do you want me to blow you or what?

GEORGE

Ah. Nah. I, uh ... want ..hu

RAINBOW

Oh that's okay. It's not like this is time-based or anything. Oh wait, it totally is, I should set a timer or something, do you remember when we started because anyway I'm not really good at adding and subtracting time because like my personality profile is like ENT-ANT and I'm random abstract so I changed my major and so can you tell me when it's like fifteen minutes or I could ask Bruce, no I hate Bruce forget that, whatever, do you need more time with like a menu or something?

RAINBOW

Hey, it's okay, because no one is like judging you or anything. Not like those judges, man, let me tell you. Wait, check this out, I got this underwear from like Heckler and Koch.

GEORGE

Uh...

RAINBOW

Heh. Not bad for a mom, right? You can barely see where they have that scar for the see-sarian.

GEORGE

Y... you got a kid?

RAINBOW

Yeah, totally, check him out! He's the best.

RAINBOW goes into her phone for pictures.

RAINBOW

Oh yeah, I'm totally not supposed to tell you stuff about myself and all, but you've got an honest face and it's not like they can take him away again already fucking judges.

GEORGE

Aw...geez. Seems like a real nice kid

RAINBOW

Yeah. That's not his motorcycle.

GEORGE

Uh...Yeah.. You know I don't think

RAINBOW

Ohmigodohmigod. I freaked you out didn't I? Ohshitohshit. Look don't get freaked out. If you want to you can come on a pillow or my ears or something. You like freaky stuff right? That's what you said. I can pretend like I'm dead or you're dead or your mom or whatever. Man, that is the wrong thing to say, stick to the script Marcie!

GEORGE

No, it's not, it's just

RAINBOW

Shitshitshit. Look just give a second here. Damage control. Oh god. Oh god. This, this is the worst self-improvement course ever.

GEORGE

I think I'd better...

RAINBOW

Look. Look. You seem like a nice guy. You like me right? I'm okay, right? Please say yes. Just say yes and you can go and all. I'll get you a refund for the room. Well, I can't really do that but can you just tell me that I'm okay?

GEORGE

You're okay Rainbow, you're okay

RAINBOW

Marcie, I'm Marcie. Look, this is what happens when you give kids Riddlin and put them in Montessori school and also feel them up occasionally. It's fucked up! Shit. How about a hot coca?

GEORGE

It's okay. I have some money like I promised. You can just

RAINBOW

Oh man! I am never going to make it as a prostitute! I'm going to have to go back to Gamestop!

GEORGE

Don't cry

RAINBOW

I was in AP English, you know. I got a five. I had an abortion. They didn't even tell me what they fuck they were going to do.

RAINBOW

You're a nice guy. Tell me what you were going to do to me. Were you going to fuck me? Were you going cum on my tits or my face?

GEORGE

No, no, I just wanted, to, to you know

RAINBOW

You wanted to taste me. You like it down there? I like it down there. I lot of people tell me that. Girls, boys. I like it. It's nice

GEORGE

Yeah, but I want...

RAINBOW

I like that, too. You can do that. I'll do you, too. It's sweet. Here, take a look.

GEORGE

No, no

CROSS FADE: SOUND OF SIRENS

CUT TO

14 A FLOPHOUSE EXTERIOR-DAY

POLICE CORDON OFF ANOTHER CRIME SCENE

CUT TO

15 A CATHOLIC CHURCH

A distraught GEORGE barrels in and staggers into confession. We see his lips and hairy mustache muttering his confession, but we don't hear it clearly. We see the FATHER's eyes through the screen: their expression is unreadable and unfamiliar. GEORGE weeps. FATHER says a HAIL MARY.

Immediately after GEORGE exits, we see the FATHER put a “PLEASE USE NEXT WINDOW” sign in front of his window. The FATHER takes out an baroquely gilded cell phone with a delicate crucifix on it. When the phone is flipped open, the crucifix hangs upside down.

CUT TO

16 A SWANKY PENTHOUSE, POOLSIDE

Naked girls do yoga. A robot enters with a tray of martinis. A phone rings. A phone on a tray is brought to a sunglassed figure in a purple bathrobe. It is CALIGULA

CUT TO

17 A CATHOLIC CHURCH

The FATHER abases himself and relates to his lord what GEORGE has told him, in ancient Latin.

CUT TO

18 A SWANKY PENTHOUSE, POOLSIDE

CALIGULA, SERVANT

CALIGULA

Bene, bene. Deus vult. (hangs up)

A serpent that bites a man is just a serpent. But what is a serpent that bites a serpent that bites the first serpent?

You cannot answer. You are not a god. I, Jupiter, wisest of Gods, answer

SERVANT

Shall we inform the Dark Prince that we have found the Oshunmare?

CALIGULA

(to the air)

O Prince! O Prince. Harken! Ourobouros! The Great Worm is reborn! There! We have fulfilled our compact.

Now, get me the local Young Men's Catholic Association

The SERVANT dials and hands the phone to CALIGULA

CALIGULA

(as it's ringing.)

I've nothing against Catholics, but Jesus, some of these guys really creep me out -and I invented most of the pervy stuff.