Act III
9 EXT THE BAY AREA -NIGHT
Suddenly, we are looking at a different film entirely, shot grainily and amateurishly in 16 mm (if that), the camera informally held.
We see underexposed innocuous establishing shots of the Bay Area: houses, trees, park scenes, at dusk and at night. They are largely empty of people and interest. Yet unexpectedly, we hear a Bernard Hermann musical sting poorly ripped from another film.
There is a pause.
CUT TO
More unthreatening footage.
We hear the musical sting again.
Then,
MAN'S VOICE OVER
Night. The whole city lies before me. Naked. Like a pair of shoes. That don't fit and smell bad.
CUT TO
Shots of dull, sedate nightlife.
MAN'S VOICE OVER
Nights like this. I ...don't ...dare ....go out.
CUT TO
A shot of the moon.
MAN'S VOICE OVER
The moon's got nothing to do with it.
CUT TO
A dumpy balding man with a mustache and thick glasses. He looks a lot like George Kuchar, the great filmmaker, just as this reel looks inexplicably like one of his films. It's all merely a coincidence, however. It is, however, he, who has been narrating.
GEORGE KUCHAR
(not to be confused with the filmmaker)
It's something inside of me.
CUT TO
10 VARIOUS -DAY
We see GEORGE KUCHAR go about his daily routine: waking up, having breakfast, going to work, talking to his mother,reading Monsters of Filmland. As in Hold Me While I'm Naked, a film by a different (wholly unrelated) George Kushar, all the voices are eerily dubbed by GEORGE KUCHAR. From all we see, we learn the following:
- George is depressed.
- George is lonely.
- George is horny.
CUT TO
11 VARIOUS -DAY
GEORGE trying to pick up on women from all walks of life and professions, on generally inappropriate or awkward occasions. Despite this handicap,it's a total debacle.
The women all come from different professions and backgrounds. However, they all share one phenotypic trait: they all have really big butts.
CUT TO
12 VARIOUS -NIGHT
A streetwalker's corner. Sex workers work the curb. GEORGE's car pulls up jerkily and accidentally jumps the curb slightly. GEORGE awkwardly pulls off the curb and tries to act all cool, but the ladies are fleeing.
CUT TO
13 A FLOPHOUSE BEDROOM -NIGHT
Enter RAINBOW and GEORGE
RAINBOW
Boy, sure I hope they didn't give me that room again, but I can't ever remember. You want to take off that hat and glasses, hon? You look like a police sketch.
GEORGE shuffles in a nervous way.
RAINBOW
Is this like your first time, because I'm like not really good at this either oh shit I'm not supposed to say that Harvey will be really mad if you say that I said that so don't say that I said that not like you've got a customer comment card or anything but I used to work in a Pizza Hut and man, people would say some pretty nasty unrealistic things even though you don't make the pizza or anything and you basically only escort the pizza for about ten to twenty feet it just like the copy shop where did you get that coat that's like a ladies' coat.
GEORGE
It's my mom's. I didn't have a long coat.
RAINBOW
You can tell because of the buttons because I also worked at Fashion Bug the buttons are on the left side or is it the right side and there I think the problem really was management because I got along with customers fine especially the kids that and I lied on my resume but who calls those numbers, right? I mean I had already been an employee for twenty-four hours I think the buttons go on the other side do you want me to blow you or what?
GEORGE
Ah. Nah. I, uh ... want ..hu
RAINBOW
Oh that's okay. It's not like this is time-based or anything. Oh wait, it totally is, I should set a timer or something, do you remember when we started because anyway I'm not really good at adding and subtracting time because like my personality profile is like ENT-ANT and I'm random abstract so I changed my major and so can you tell me when it's like fifteen minutes or I could ask Bruce, no I hate Bruce forget that, whatever, do you need more time with like a menu or something?
RAINBOW
Hey, it's okay, because no one is like judging you or anything. Not like those judges, man, let me tell you. Wait, check this out, I got this underwear from like Heckler and Koch.
GEORGE
Uh...
RAINBOW
Heh. Not bad for a mom, right? You can barely see where they have that scar for the see-sarian.
GEORGE
Y... you got a kid?
RAINBOW
Yeah, totally, check him out! He's the best.
RAINBOW goes into her phone for pictures.
RAINBOW
Oh yeah, I'm totally not supposed to tell you stuff about myself and all, but you've got an honest face and it's not like they can take him away again already fucking judges.
GEORGE
Aw...geez. Seems like a real nice kid
RAINBOW
Yeah. That's not his motorcycle.
GEORGE
Uh...Yeah.. You know I don't think
RAINBOW
Ohmigodohmigod. I freaked you out didn't I? Ohshitohshit. Look don't get freaked out. If you want to you can come on a pillow or my ears or something. You like freaky stuff right? That's what you said. I can pretend like I'm dead or you're dead or your mom or whatever. Man, that is the wrong thing to say, stick to the script Marcie!
GEORGE
No, it's not, it's just
RAINBOW
Shitshitshit. Look just give a second here. Damage control. Oh god. Oh god. This, this is the worst self-improvement course ever.
GEORGE
I think I'd better...
RAINBOW
Look. Look. You seem like a nice guy. You like me right? I'm okay, right? Please say yes. Just say yes and you can go and all. I'll get you a refund for the room. Well, I can't really do that but can you just tell me that I'm okay?
GEORGE
You're okay Rainbow, you're okay
RAINBOW
Marcie, I'm Marcie. Look, this is what happens when you give kids Riddlin and put them in Montessori school and also feel them up occasionally. It's fucked up! Shit. How about a hot coca?
GEORGE
It's okay. I have some money like I promised. You can just
RAINBOW
Oh man! I am never going to make it as a prostitute! I'm going to have to go back to Gamestop!
GEORGE
Don't cry
RAINBOW
I was in AP English, you know. I got a five. I had an abortion. They didn't even tell me what they fuck they were going to do.
RAINBOW
You're a nice guy. Tell me what you were going to do to me. Were you going to fuck me? Were you going cum on my tits or my face?
GEORGE
No, no, I just wanted, to, to you know
RAINBOW
You wanted to taste me. You like it down there? I like it down there. I lot of people tell me that. Girls, boys. I like it. It's nice
GEORGE
Yeah, but I want...
RAINBOW
I like that, too. You can do that. I'll do you, too. It's sweet. Here, take a look.
GEORGE
No, no
CROSS FADE: SOUND OF SIRENS
CUT TO
14 A FLOPHOUSE EXTERIOR-DAY
POLICE CORDON OFF ANOTHER CRIME SCENE
CUT TO
15 A CATHOLIC CHURCH
A distraught GEORGE barrels in and staggers into confession. We see his lips and hairy mustache muttering his confession, but we don't hear it clearly. We see the FATHER's eyes through the screen: their expression is unreadable and unfamiliar. GEORGE weeps. FATHER says a HAIL MARY.
Immediately after GEORGE exits, we see the FATHER put a “PLEASE USE NEXT WINDOW” sign in front of his window. The FATHER takes out an baroquely gilded cell phone with a delicate crucifix on it. When the phone is flipped open, the crucifix hangs upside down.
CUT TO
16 A SWANKY PENTHOUSE, POOLSIDE
Naked girls do yoga. A robot enters with a tray of martinis. A phone rings. A phone on a tray is brought to a sunglassed figure in a purple bathrobe. It is CALIGULA
CUT TO
17 A CATHOLIC CHURCH
The FATHER abases himself and relates to his lord what GEORGE has told him, in ancient Latin.
CUT TO
18 A SWANKY PENTHOUSE, POOLSIDE
CALIGULA, SERVANT
CALIGULA
Bene, bene. Deus vult. (hangs up)
A serpent that bites a man is just a serpent. But what is a serpent that bites a serpent that bites the first serpent?
You cannot answer. You are not a god. I, Jupiter, wisest of Gods, answer
SERVANT
CALIGULA
(to the air)
O Prince! O Prince. Harken! Ourobouros! The Great Worm is reborn! There! We have fulfilled our compact.
Now, get me the local Young Men's Catholic Association
The SERVANT dials and hands the phone to CALIGULA
CALIGULA
(as it's ringing.)
I've nothing against Catholics, but Jesus, some of these guys really creep me out -and I invented most of the pervy stuff.
No comments:
Post a Comment