Monday, August 23, 2010

Introducing Flavor Bumps!

What are Flavor Bumps?

Flavor Bumps are a brand new way to experience vibrant, long-lasting flavor, with no calories, sticky fingers, excess packaging or even the need to use your mouth.

How do I enjoy Flavor Bumps?

Just touch any of the brightly colored Flavor Bumps you find and enjoy a full flavor experience just by touching the bump. The cool, pale bumps are Zesty Cool Ranch. The bright orange bumps are Tangy Nacho-Gazpacho Cheese. The little red hard bumps are Rasslin’ Raspberry. The very white, almost translucent soft and lumpy bumps are Hearty New England Clam Chowder.

Where do I find Flavor Bumps?

Flavor Bumps are as convenient as they are easy to use. You can find them almost anywhere, whether at home, at the office, or on the go. They’re a taste sensation that you can take with you, that goes where you go. Flavor has never been this convenient. And you can find a full selection almost anywhere. Zesty Cool Ranch patches generally appear on the arms, elbows and back. Tangy Nacho-Gazpacho Cheese bumps are most often found around the face and ears, with some smaller splotches on the shoulders, waist and caudal area. Rasslin’ Raspberry spots may erupt around the nipples, groin, anus and urethra. Hearty New England Clam Chowder typically appears as wet, baggy sacs wherever natural fatty deposits occur, such as the breasts or buttocks. Use discretion when enjoying these flavors.

How did this happen?

We could spend all day trying to explain it. The fact is, it’s happened. This is not a dream.

Is this natural and vegan-safe?

On the one hand, yes, what could be more natural than your own body and more vegan than not actually eating anything. On the other hand, come on...

I can’t sleep at night. Every time I do, I wake up choking with the disgusting taste of New England Clam Chowder, Rasslin’ Raspberry and Cool Ranch Dressing in my mouth.

Try sleeping on your stomach.

I tried sleeping on my stomach, but the pain was incredible.

Some initial, acute pain and swelling is normal when Flavor Bumps first appear. However, these experiences usually only last a few weeks, to be replaced with normal swelling and pain. Some customers report sleeping in a chair with your arms tied to be most comfortable.

Sex is a nightmarish trough of vomit inducing taste/touch experiences.

Yes, yes it is.

Are there more flavors to come?

Some customers report the luscious taste of banana crème and/or asparagus when they close their eyes. We can only hope they are wrong.

PI 312

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