CITIZEN BRAIN: THE SINGING BRAIN STORY

OPEN:

MELVIN

Wow. Sure is a lot of old junk in this garage. Old timey stuff. Lots of glamor photos, posters, costumes. Medals and awards. I wonder if they're worth anything?

RICH, BUT WEARY, CRACKED ORSON WELLES SOUNDING VOICE

Who's there? I can't see you. I can't hear you. But I know you're there.

MELVIN

Hey mister, sorry. I thought all this stuff was abandoned. They're tearing this place down, you know? Hey, you live here mister? In this old garage?

VOICE

Who says I'm alive?

I'm a ghost.

MELVIN

Ha ha. You're not really a ghost, are you mister?

VOICE

Come closer. I'm right in front of you. Lift up the curtain you see draped in front of you.

MELVIN

What I don't see anything. Just a dirty old aquarium.

VOICE

Come up to the glass

MELVIN

Holy Jeezus! It's a disembodied brain in a tank!

THE “SINGING” BRAIN (for it is he)

Nice to meet you, too.

MELVIN

Is this a trick?

BRAIN

Yeah, it's a trick. The cruelest trick ever played. What's your name, son?

MELVIN

Melvin, sir.

BRAIN

Melvin, you seem like a nice kid. How would you like to make a little money. A lot of money, actually.

MELVIN

Well that's kind of you to offer, sir. What sort of thing do I have to do?

BRAIN

Well, son, it may not look it, but I'm actually rich -quite rich. I'm probably the richest brain you'll ever meet. I was famous, too -but that was a long time ago.

You've stumbled into a treasure cave, into my tomb.

MELVIN

I'm sorry about that, sir.

BRAIN

Oh don't worry about it kid, it's not that kind of story. It's a good kind of story, a fairy tale.

I'm a genie in a bottle -and I'll grant you three wishes, if you let me out.

MELVIN

Uh, gee sir, I don't know.

BRAIN

C'mon kid. I'm not the devil. The devil doesn't live in a dusty old goldfish bowl off the 101. How about money? How would you like more money than you could spend in a lifetime? Or do all the rich kids nowadays go crawling around old storage sheds for kicks?

MELVIN

Heh, well sure, I'd like to be rich

BRAIN

How about cars? You like cars? Check out that roadster under the tarp.

MELVIN

Whoah. I never seen a car like that. Even in space.

BRAIN

They didn't make a lot of them. Just one for me and one for Batman. How about a penthouse? Houses, mansions, hotels –all over the world.

MELVIN

Ah, well, you gotta be pulling my leg...

BRAIN

Look at my face, Melvin. Does this face look like it makes a lot of jokes? I don't have any use for any of these things. They're all yours for the taking. I just need a little favor from you. One little favor.

MELVIN

Uh, yes, sir. What would that be now?

BRAIN

Kill me. I want you to kill me.

FAKE BRAIN as THE SINGING BRAIN in RKO's Citizen Brain

NARRATOR

Fame! Fortune! Science gone horribly wrong and love gone horribly right!

This is the true story that your parents never dared talk about! And now it can be told!

CITIZEN BRAIN: THE SINGING BRAIN STORY

NARRATOR

Hollywood, land of dreams with too much make up. The Singing Brain is hanging with the “Splat Pack” a group of Tinseltown's most unique and differently configured and instantiated stars: Candyman Homunculus, Dino the dipso dinosaur, Handsome Johnny the "One-Headed" Detective, Kuato,  Joey Bishop and Robby the Robot.

BISHOP

What can we pour on you, Brain?

BRAIN

Whatever Rocket Fuel Robby's pissing out -and keep 'em coming

CANDYMAN HOMONCULUS

Hey Roberto, how 'bout some cigs, too?

HANDSOME JOHNNY THE "ONE HEADED" DETECTIVE

We outta nuts down here

DINO

I'm gonna need some skins for later

KUATO

...and two hardboiled eggs

DINO

Don't forget the skins, now. Milady be waiting.

ROBBY

YOU GUYS: WHAT WOULD YOU EVER DO WITHOUT ME?

DINO

Well, I'd just do what I usually do: tape two hotel garbage bags together and tie 'em on: BECAUSE I'M A FUCK-ING DI-NO-SAUR!

Robby checks out his co-star Anne Francis with typical robot subtlety

NARRATOR

The story of a living, passionate brain that fights!

BRAIN

I'm not afraid of you, Bowser. Go ahead. Punch a man with glasses.

BOWSER

Ow! I broke my hand!

BRAIN

And there's plenty more where that came from, bub.

NARRATOR

A brain that seduces!

MANDY

I'm so sorry Mr. Foster! I just can't go on. When I think of the people listening, I just want to die. Oh, it's so silly! I must be crazy!

BRAIN

That doesn't sound silly to me, Mandy. I know how you feel. Even after all these shows, I feel the same way each time I go on. I guess you could say we're a couple of -headcases.

MANDY

Ha ha! -Is it okay to laugh?

BRAIN

For you, Mandy? Yes, you can laugh at my jokes.

MANDY

Oh, Mr. Foster. If I didn't know better, I'd say

BRAIN

Say what, Mandy?

MANDY

That you were flirting with me.

BRAIN

Oh come on, Mandy. You can see right through me.

MANDY

Ha ha! Oh, Mr. Foster!

BRAIN

Charles, please. And if I were flirting with you?

MANDY

Well, -Charles. I should think I'd be blushing up to my ears.

BRAIN

And are you, Mandy?

MANDY

Oh Charles...

BRAIN

You know, Mandy, when it comes to head cases, I'm something of an expert. I'd like to help you with your feelings of anxiety. I'd like to help you relax.

MANDY

I'll do anything you say, Charles. I trust you.

BRAIN

I want you to relax. Imagine you're in a peaceful place. Where are you?

MANDY

Um, in a peaceful place?

BRAIN

Well, okay. Good.

NARRATOR

A brain that loves!

BRAIN

I love you, Amanda. Body and soul. The soul is a picture of the human body and this is all I am.

MANDY

I love you. I want you. I need you.

BRAIN

There's just one thing, my love. Promise me, please promise me

MANDY

What, my love?

BRAIN

That when the time comes you'll let me go, really let me go. If you can't -well, it's better that we never met.

NARRATOR

That fights for love!

BRAIN

I'm more of a man than you'll ever be. A man's body is weak, it betrays him. His heart beats with fear, his guts desert him. His eyes  stray and so does his affections.

I cannot see, hear, touch or feel. Amanda is my whole world. I love this woman with all that I am and I'll die to protect her.

NARRATOR

For the first time in history a hero whose brawn is all brain!

BRAIN

And so we can see, gentlemen, that zero is an even number.

Oh, and one more thing Professor?

Is this your card?

NARRATOR

And whose brain is all brawn!

MANDY

Charles! We're going too fast!

BRAIN

I like it fast, baby. Faster than I can think.

NARRATOR

A tale of intrigue and espionage that is all true! Travel with the spy in the glass case as he jets from the Riviera to Siberia -and beyond!

CAPTAIN RUPPELT

We need you back at the Cape, Major.

BRAIN

If this is about the low Earth orbit zoo you guys are starting, count me out. My agent says no animal acts.

CAPTAIN SNEIDER

We understand that, Major. We just need your insight on something. A situation.

CAPTAIN RUPPELT

There's trouble on the high side, sir.

BRAIN

What are you guys on about? Vanguard? So what if the Soviets are first again? I hear that space is a big place.

CAPTAIN SNEIDER

There's something up there already, sir.

BRAIN

Oh? Anyone I know?

CAPTAIN RUPPELT

No, sir, not one of ours.

BRAIN

What, another Russian dog?

CAPTAIN RUPPELT

Not one of theirs either, sir.

CAPTAIN SNEIDER

Something Dr. Von Braun said you and Dr. Fermi used to talk about together. After hours. You follow us, Major?

BRAIN

You got a plane ready at the base? I'm taking my own car.  You boys try and keep up, now.

NARRATOR

This brain is far out! Way out in a cerebral high paced thriller whose thrills are all cerebrum!

MARCONI

You're smart, brain, I'll give you that. But did it ever cross that big brain of yours that someone might not like what you're doing and might do something about it?

BRAIN

Not really. I thought about it, but I couldn't think of anyone that stupid. You know anybody, Marconi?

MARCONI

I'd like it if it crossed your mind, Brain. In one side and out the other!

[Shots and ricochets]

BOWSER

Boss, the glass, the glass! The bullets bounced right off!

BRAIN

Go ahead, Marconi. You're still loaded. Try again. This time try to put a bullet in my heart. You know where my heart is? It's that pump you see before you. You can hear it. It brings blood with oxygen to keep me alive. Shoot that pump. Watch me die through the glass. Go ahead. Even a screw-up like you can't miss at this range.

MARCONI

Die, you canned bastard.

BRAIN

Argh! Finally, I die.

BOWSER

What do we do now, boss?

MARCONI

We throw the gun in the tank. Everybody knows the brain wanted to die. It'll look like suicide.

INSPECTOR SLAINY

Hold it right there, boys. Hands up.

BOWSER

Cheese it! The cops! And police!

MARCONI

Well, at least we got the goldfish

BRAIN

You are one dumb meatball, Marconi

MARCONI

You're still alive? I shot you in the heart!

BRAIN

Who told you I have a heart? I've no heart. I have a pump. Two of them, in fact. Man, you guys are dumb. Have one of the older boys at Sing-Sing show you how to hold a hammer without hurting yourselves

MANDY

Oh Brain! -I mean, Charles -I was so worried

BRAIN

It's all right dear -nothing a little Windex can't handle

MANDY

Oh god! When they shot you Charles, I thought I'd die! 

BRAIN

Oh Mandy,  I'm tougher than a glass of water. You know that.

MANDY

I'm sorry I don't mean to make such a fuss and be so emotional. It's just that I just learned -well, I'm pregnant, Charles. I'm going to have your baby.

BRAIN

I know, Amanda, I know.

NARRATOR

What the hell! If that doesn't creep you out a little, it probably should! How can Mandy be pregnant by the man in the tank? What about other details that seem unclear? Find out in SON OF THE SINGING BRAIN.